Agents Universe

====September 5th, 2016 10:00====

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: It was a fantastic first day. This group of guys is going to give me so much over the next few years. I know who will pass and who will fail, and I’m rarely wrong about that. The fighting was an excellent warm-up, and gave a really good insight to my boys’ abilities and areas to focus on. Zane is top of the class in a physical sense, that much was evident the moment he walked through the door. Nobody was particularly a bad fighter, not even Jack who went down four times in a row. He really beat himself up about it, but seeing him overcome that failure was beautiful to see. I was wrong for judging him before meeting him. I saw his name on my list and instantly pegged him to be an arrogant, self-obsessed piece of shit like his brothers. I was not prepared for him to be so vulnerable, troubled and insecure. He certainly makes for the most interesting one in the class.. And today, I will learn even more about him. I’ve laid out chairs in the training room to talk to my boys about transferable skills. I love this lecture, and I know it will be good for Jack.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: My boys take their seats and I clap my hands together. “Morning, boys. I saw some of you heading out for an early morning run. Good going.. Are we feeling sore? Rawlings, how are those nuts?” I chuckle, he wasn’t a fan of that yesterday. “Today, we’re learning about transferable skills.. Being an agent requires you to draw on a lot of different skills and abilities. You need to be prepared to survive multiple situations, and some you will already unknowingly have the skills to help you. So, let’s show you how this works.. Willow. Give me a random hobby or talent you have, anything. Even if it sounds irrelevant..”

12:26 Myles_Willow: I have absolutely no idea what this teaching session is meant to be about.. Transferable skills? Can’t they just teach us the fucking skills and be done with it? I listen to Alistair as he drones on, then he mentions my name and I almost groan. Fuck’s sake, really? A random talent I have? I take a few seconds to think about it, then realise I’m thinking too hard. “Soccer?”

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I can’t tell yet if Willow is trying to play “the cool kid” or if he’s just an arrogant prick. “Soccer.. Stamina. Teamwork. Precision. Every single one of those things will help you out in the field. These men around you are your football team. The bullet in your chamber takes as much precision as kicking a ball into an open goal. Stamina will keep you in the game for longer. Everything is transferable. Santiago, go!” I’ve just realised that’s quite fun to say.

12:26 Elías_Santiago: Ok, I will admit that was quite impressive. Alistair dissected a simple sport and applied it to being a CSIS agent. I know exactly what I’m going to say, and as if on cue, Alistair calls my name. “I did up my grandad’s old LeSabre?”

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I nod, impressed by Santiago’s skill. “Doing up a car, nice. So you understand mechanics. Very useful. And let me guess, you kept trying and trying, the engine refused to turn so you kept working on it ‘til it did?” He nods. “Perseverance. What’s more, somebody had to drive this thing right? So you fixed it up and made it safe? Once I raided a farm out in the desert in Texas. Huge gunfight, ended up in our car getting blown to shreds. They made a getaway and all that was left was this battered old jeep in the old barn. It wouldn’t turn, but maybe having somebody like you there would have given us a chance. You never know what skills are going to be needed and when, so good job, Santiago. Young, give me something..”

12:26 Jack_Young: I don’t even know how I’m able to function right now. I’m in so much fucking pain after yesterday’s catastrophic failure. 4 losses. 4 fucking losses. I’m so humiliated, I can’t even look anybody in the eye. I’ve been beating myself up about it non-stop since it happened, and I refuse to find any comfort in the fact that I beat Zach. It happened 4 fights too late. Eli and I had some time to connect after he took me to the medic following my supposed ‘victory’. He tried his best to assure me that I fought well, but it rolled off like water off a duck’s back as compliments always do with me. I’m in over my head here, and my days are numbered. I don’t know how Alistair hasn’t sent me packing yet, surely yesterday was evidence that I’m not agent material. But here I am, sitting in on his teachings about transferable skills. I’m in so much pain still, and will be for a few days. I went through the wringer yesterday, and then some. My attention is divided between what Alistair is saying, and how much my body is throbbing in agony.

12:26 Jack_Young: From what I do pick up, it’s fascinating seeing Alistair spin these talents and skills into something useful in the field. But one thing is stabbing at the back of my brain as he talks.. I know he’s making his way around the room and I have absolutely nothing. I have no talents of which to speak, and I’m hoping to somehow fade into the background right now. Then his booming voice calls my name and it’s like a punch to the gut, as if I didn’t have enough of those yesterday. My throat dries up instantly.. Fuck.. I have no idea what to do or say. I can guarantee everyone in the room is thinking the words “it sure as hell isn’t fighting”. I need to think of something, anything.. Even if it’s a lie.. But the only thing I can think of is soccer because of Myles’ answer. I realise the room has been silent for too long. “Uh.. Uhm..” I frown, trying to think. FUCK! What am I good at? What have I done in my life? Don’t go down that hole.. Fucking hell..

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I can’t quite figure Jack out. I watch him squirm and get flustered.. I have my concerns about this kid, that’s for sure. Everyone else is filled with confidence.. But I’m sensing that isn’t the case for him. Too much is going on in his head. I lower my voice slightly, as I did with him yesterday, to try and bring him back down to earth. “Jack.. focus. It can be anything..” I don’t break eye contact with him. He’s not doing himself any favours in the rest of the group’s eyes.. But I won’t give up on him that easily. This is not a weakness, yet.. He can overcome this. But there is a niggling thought at the back of my mind.. This kid might be too sweet for this job.

12:26 Jack_Young: As my heart picks up, Alistair lowers his voice and gets through to me. I don’t know how he has such patience, I was fully expecting some psycho army general calling us pussies every 5 seconds. I need to get out of my head, but the only talent I think I have is only going to embarrass me more. I feel the clock racing though and Alistair’s patience isn’t infinite.. Fuck my pits are sweating. I clear my throat, and shrug a little bit. “Uh.. I don’t know.. Singing? Playing guitar..” and just like that I want to die. I hear a few chuckles around the room and I just want this to end right now. How the fuck am I ever going to do this? I tilt my head back and close my eyes for a few seconds, but it doesn’t take me away. Everything I feared about being here is being confirmed to me every hour. I really don’t know why I bothered.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: Jack does a very good job of staying almost composed on the outside.. But I know on the inside he’s drowning right now. He eventually gives in and tells me his talent, to which he is greeted with a couple of chuckles from Zane, Zach and a few others. “The fuck did I say about laughing yesterday?” I snap at them, turning my attention to Jack. I keep my eyes locked on him and nod. “Good job. You say singing, I hear good breath control and lung capacity. I guarantee you, Jack.. if you needed to swim underwater for the furthest distance before needing to come up for air, you’d be close to the top of the class. As for the guitar playing, you must have pretty nimble fingers. If anybody finds a bomb on campus, I’d be seeking you out and talking you through how to disarm it..” I try my hardest to zone in on him, acting as though we are the only two in the room. The others don’t exist right now. “Don’t do this to yourself, Jack. You’re better than you think you are..” I sense something in Jack. Something dark and destructive. I can’t imagine living with his brothers has been a walk in the park when he’s the polar opposite of them. And Lord knows his mother is a vile twat. I feel for this kid. I think I may have a favourite. I grin and nod at him, then continue on.

12:26 Jack_Young: Alistair cuts the laughter in its tracks and hones in on me. He turns something I’ve long thought was ugly and useless about myself, and turned into something I’m almost proud of. My brothers hate how musical I am, they think it makes me too soft for this job. I’ve learned to bury that talent and privatise it for my own enjoyment, and nobody else will ever hear it. I realise in this moment that nobody has spoken to me like this since my dad passed. He was my voice of support and encouragement, he was always telling me to be myself, to believe in myself.. Since the day I found out he’d died, I have been plagued by voices of disapproval and resentment. Some of them exist inside my own head, but the rest of them are my family. I haven’t been told it’s okay to be me in 8 years, and this isn’t an emotion I was prepared to feel today. For a brief few seconds, I felt like I had my dad back. A positive voice, a light in the dark.. I nod at Alistair. “Thank you, sir..”

====8th October, 2016 13:15====

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I love this job. I love seeing young men stand up in the face of adversity: fighting through pain and fear. This program is not for the faint of heart, and things are going to start heating up from now on. As far as first months go, however, this has been a damn fine one. I’ve got some real interesting characters this time round, mostly. We’ve been working on fighting techniques, interrogation survival and weapon workshops, just easing them in before we start dunking them in water for 2 minutes and pepper-spraying them in the middle of a fistfight.. They have no idea what’s coming. One person who does, however, is my dear friend Jeff Rogers. We trained together at the academy and have been good pals ever since. Going through this program together builds a bond between you, for the most part.. Jeff and I have been tortured together, beaten the shit out of each other, drowned in the lake together.. It’s brutal, but it prepares you for anything in a job like ours.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I have had the honour of working with Jeff out in the field before becoming the instructor here. The job came up and I couldn’t help but go for it, even though it meant no longer being an agent as such. Jeff often pops up north to pay us a visit a few times throughout each program, meeting the recruits and passing on his wisdom. He’s a great man, and should be arriving any minute now. I sit in my office with my leather-bound portfolios of each candidate in front of me. They all have flaws, they all have qualities the others don’t possess.. Each man is an individual, and deciding on what’s best for them can sometimes be a challenge. They all have room for improvement, and Jeff will help me figure out what to do for each of them. We also have some of the boys joining us this afternoon for what I call “Wellbeing Meetings”. I’m not a robot, and I don’t expect my boys to be robots. We’re human beings, and this program takes its toll on you. I want my boys to cry on my shoulder so that I can lift them up, not hide their emotions away and let it consume them. I catch up with each of my boys every few weeks and make sure they’re doing ok. It can be a friendly chat or a full-blown therapy session, I don’t care.. I’m not raising cold, heartless assassins here.. I’m turning great men into even greater men. I make sure the beers are cold and the windows are open as I patiently wait for Jeff’s arrival, finishing off my notes from this morning’s classes.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: As I turn off the road towards the training camp, I take a deep breath, letting the smell of the forest fill my nostrils and my lungs. The smell alone brings back so many memories of my own training experiences. I came late to the party, having transferred in from the Vancouver Police instead of starting fresh and young. But that didn’t get me any special treatment. And of course, it was during my training that I met Alistair, where we forged our bond of friendship and deep mutual respect. The man is a born teacher, a born instructor. Even when we were in training, he dealt with his classmates with a sharp, incisive no-nonsense attitude blended with a hefty dose of compassionate encouragement. There was no one I could think of who was better suited to lead our training efforts.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: Visiting the up and coming class had become one of the high spots of my job as head of the Anti-Syndicate operations, not just to meet the new up and coming CSIS agents, but to renew my friendship with Alistair. And then of course… this visit was uniquely special to me. Because of Jack… My heart twisted inside, when I thought of Jack. Ever since Trent’s death, I’d watched Jack from afar… I’d observed his pain, and the ongoing ridicule and humiliation he endured at the hands of his uncaring family. I respected Shona, I really did, but I could not for the life of me understand why she treated Jack - her son, the one most like her dead husband - with such utter disdain. It tore at me. I felt so torn about Jack, a part of me regretted not being more involved in his life, but another part of me was afraid. He was so like his father, and now, as a young man, he was stunningly handsome, and the feelings I had for him were totally inappropriate. I would have to watch myself like a hawk on this trip, and not allow those feelings to interfere.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: But even so, even without being directly involved in his life, I worked hard to ensure he had the support he needed to succeed. When I found out from a cryptic, offhand comment from Michael Young that Jack wanted to apply to join CSIS, I pulled some strings, and silenced some objections raised in certain quarters, and ensured that his application was treated fairly. I knew Shona was opposed to it, and she wasn’t the only one. But now, this was my first chance to meet him in an official capacity, to check up on his progress as a CSIS representative.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I parked the car, and stepped out, the gravel crunching under my dress shoes. I was wearing my customary white-button up shirt, with a tie, and simply grey business slacks. I walked into the main doors, and nodded at some students. “Afternoon.” Then, I knocked on Alistair’s office door. “Hey Coldman, it’s me, Jeff.” I grinned. “Coldman” being my private nickname for him. He was one of the few men that I let my guard down with, one of the few men that I was close enough with to put aside my usual professional guarded reserve with. When we were training, he was always telling me to loosen up, to show more warmth towards my classmates. He was always laughing and cracking jokes with his classmates, except during one activity…. Hand to hand training. When it came down to the fighting, Alistair’s face took on a totally expressionless cast, and his eyes were as cold and hard as diamonds. It was after one of these fights that I joked with him, calling him “Coldman”. And it stuck ever since… but the reality was there was no one warmer and more down to earth in my life than Alistair.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I get lost in my words as I write in Zane's file, overcoming the urge to write “egotistical bastard with eyes too close together” across his face. Some guys rub me the wrong way, 2 of the 3 Young boys, Zane Reynolds, Marc Chevalier, Elliott “Lucky” Lambert or whatever the fuck that prick insisted he went by. There’s few things that annoy me more than people who are full of themselves. I inspire confidence, Jack needs bucket loads more of it.. But there’s a point where that confidence becomes ugly. Arrogance. Everyone should believe in themselves, and everyone should like themselves.. But there’s a fine line between respecting yourself and being a complete asswipe. As if on cue, the most perfect example of that to ever walk this earth knocks on my door and enters my office. My eyes beam at Jeff Rogers, the perfect specimen. My love for this man is like we were grown in the womb together, a true friend.. A real brother. But I have to have some fun with him, he calls me my cherished nickname and I look at him with a face of horror as I stand. “Rogers? Is that you? Fuck.. you weren’t meant to get fat and old for another 10 years!” I laugh and wrap him in a warm hug, clearly joking as he continues to be in fantastic shape and looking like a handsome bear.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I’m all for celebrating differences, but if I could model my students after one man in particular, it would be Jeff. His confidence is perfectly balanced by his hesitance and sense of caution, and his raging fire is calmed by his warm heart. I waste no time in fetching him a beer, grabbing one for myself and cracking them open. “Welcome back to hell, it’s been a couple of years, eh? I trust the drive up wasn’t too eventful. How’s things back in Toronto?” I did come up with a nickname for Jeff once, but it’s not in the best taste and I can tell he’s not a fan. The urge to call him ‘todger’ is just so tempting sometimes. He deserves better than a nickname that means a small dick, though.. I wish I knew somebody I hated called Rogers.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I break into a broad grin as I see Alistair, and immediately the years fall away, as though we are back training together. He’s giving me shit, as he does, and it only makes my grin broader as we wrap each other in bearhugs. I grunt, “Careful… Alistair, I need those ribs you are about to break.” He breaks off and immediately pulls out a cold beer for me. Oh man, what a welcome sight. I crack mine open and tink my bottle against his, “To old friends.” Then take a sip as I sit down and look Alistair over. He’s looking good as always, hard, dangerous, yet with a heart two sizes too large for his body. Damn, I missed him. “Things are quiet back on the home front. The Syndicate has been laying low in Canada since…” I swallow quickly, but didn’t finish my sentence. I couldn’t. The spike of pain was too raw. I was going to say… since Trent’s murder. I swallow, and decide to quickly change the subject rather than dredge up old pain. “So tell me about this year’s class? How many do you think will make it to graduation? And… tell me… about…” I take another sip. “Jack.”

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: "To my old friend," The clink of the bottles is a wonderful noise hitting my ears, and there's nobody I'd rather be sharing a beer with than my old pal. He explains the situation back home, and I feel a stab of guilt as he almost mentions the.. incident. The one thing that is unspoken between myself and Jeff, is my knowledge of his relationship with Trent. After his death, it was me who peeled Jeff from the floor in his drunken state, and it was me he subconscious confided in about their.. moment together. I assume he's forgotten all about it, or he'd rather not talk about it. Until he's ready to tell me himself, whilst sober, I shall not dwell. I know what it's like to lose somebody you love, and I will always be here to ease his pain, even if he doesn't know that I know.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: He changes the subject to the matter at hand, and I start to feel excited again. I love talking about my boys, and his pretend-casual mention of Jack's name doesn't go unnoticed. Of course he's interested in him, why wouldn't he be? I sigh, passing Jeff some of the portfolios on my desk, the first being Zane. "I'll keep this short and sweet. Arrogant asshole.." I slide him Zach's. "Arrogant asshole's henchman.." I slide him Elías. "Small but deadly, has an amazing talent. He'll go far.." I slide him Gallagher. "Weird, bouncy, reminds me of an old fucking cartoon. He'll be gone soon, that or I'll shoot him myself.." I chuckle and continue through some of the class, but I can't ignore the elephant in the room.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I guess I delayed talking about Jack because I know Jeff wants to hear how amazing he is, which he's not far off.. but there's concerns, and I don't want to disappoint him.. but here goes. I sigh again. "And then... There's Jack. My.. project. My favourite, if I'm being honest, but.. you know how excited I was to meet Michael? Trent's firstborn, I thought he'd be a model student, brave and kind like his dad.. nope, complete and utter fucking asshole. Hated the guy. Then Philip came a few years later, I thought here we go.. he'll redeem the Young name, he'll be like Trent. Nope.. fucking creep.." I chuckle and roll my eyes. "Then I saw Jack's name and I thought 'for fuck's sake, here we go again', but.. actually.. he's the sweetest fucking kid I've ever seen on this campus. And that.. isn't a good thing. I like the guy, and I believe in the guy.. but he's got too many demons, and absolutely no self-confidence. He lost 4 fights in the first-day tournament. He wasn't bad, not by a long shot.. he kept fighting and getting unlucky. Poor kid suffered a brutal beatdown that day, and was humiliated in the process.. but he overcame it and won the fifth fight, not that he accepts it as a victory. I think his brothers have fucked him up.. big time. He's convinced himself that he's not good enough for this.. but damn, is he trying.." I glance at the clock. "He's actually coming in about 15 minutes for his wellbeing, so you'll see for yourself.." I take a swig of beer, my throat is as dry as the desert after talking about him.. there's just too much to say.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I sink down into a chair and take a sip of beer as Alistair excitedly goes over the class, pushing portfolios over to me and, in classic “Coldman” fashion, he summarizes each student with a pithy one line statement. Zane, Zach, Elías, Gallagher, and … Jack. I’ve never known Alistair to be wrong when it comes to his predictions and assessments. I trust him, totally and implicitly. And my heart is in my throat, terrified that when he gets to Jack he’ll dismiss him casually… but he doesn’t. I’ve always wondered how much Alistair knows about me and Trent. After his death, I got so drunk that the evening passed in an alcohol-fumed haze. I was a broken man, and Alistair was by my side the entire time. I don’t remember what I said or didn’t say during that episode, but I always wondered. I listen as he goes on about Jack, breathing a sigh of relief as his assessment mirrors my own to an astonishing degree. I winced inside at the description of “The Fight Club” exercise. I knew Jack struggled with his demons, and that can’t have helped. I wish…. I wish I could do more for him, but he has to make it through this on his own. He has to prove himself capable on his own terms. I believe in him… but that’s not enough to get into the CSIS.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I ached for him again, of course I had known how Shona and his brothers treated him. They had both graduated, but I held them in a kind of contempt. They were good agents, almost perfect agents, and yet… they were as phony as a three dollar bill. But again, it wasn’t my place to interfere in Jack’s family life. I wondered though, if I’d made a mistake. I sighed and looked up as Alistair mentioned the wellbeing meeting. I drink more beer, then nod. My stomach twisted up at the thought of meeting Jack in a professional capacity. He looked so much like Trent.. He had Trent’s spirit. This would be hard. I drank another swallow. Then spoke up, “I’d like that, Alistair, thanks.”

12:26 Jack_Young: I glance at the clock and it’s approaching 2pm, the time of my wellbeing meeting. I like the word wellbeing, and I wasn’t expecting Alistair to be such a softie. My first one was pretty good, Alistair almost got me talking about myself and my demons like nobody has before. I never talk about what goes on in my head, I’m an aggressively private person.. But he asked me in the right way and made me feel like it was sort of okay to be a little bit vulnerable. Alistair is a very kind, open man.. And I really like him for it. He wants what is best for all of us, and of course we’re all feeling a sort of way after the intense shit he puts us through. These meetings just act as a check-up to make sure we’re not falling apart inside.

12:26 Jack_Young: I quickly finish drying myself off after my shower, which was desperately needed after my run through the woods. I found a really good route that is scenic and has plenty of uphill sections to keep up the challenge. Today, I saw a bear in the distance.. But thank fuck it’s September and she was getting ready to hibernate. I have a feeling these woods won’t be so calm come March-time. I catch sight of myself in the mirror as I start throwing some fresh clothes on, and.. man, I look rough. These fighting classes have got me looking like a permanent punching bag, I’ve got bruises and scrapes all across my jaw, cheek and eyebrows. My left eyebrow currently has 2 white skin-joining strips courtesy of Max, who was fixing up a wound a couple of days ago. This place is brutal. I finish getting changed and head to Alsitair’s office, a few minutes early, and knock on the door quietly.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I can see in Jeff’s eyes how interested he is in Jack, and it breaks my heart. This kid is the closest thing he’ll have to having Trent back and I didn’t even consider how it would play with his mind. Oh fuck, here it is again. There’s been a few moments with Jeff where I’ve wanted to talk to him about Trent.. To rip off the band-aid and force us both to have the conversation. Any minute now, Jack will be walking through that door, and Jeff probably feeling a lot of different things about that. I take a sip of beer and fidget awkwardly in the chair a little bit. I’m doing it. I can’t let my good friend suffer like this. I just need to tell him that I know. I know what happened between you and Trent, Jeff.. and I’m sorry you lost somebody so close to you. Nobody deserves to feel that pain and carry it with them everyday, and the closest thing on this planet to the man you loved is about to walk through that door right now. He looks the same, he acts the same.. It must be hell on earth for you, but I’m here for you, and I love you.. I take a breath, ready to say it all out loud. I’m doing it. “So, Jeff.. I think we need to ta--” I’m interrupted by a knock on the door. Fuck. I knew we were out of time. I glance at my watch. 13:54. Early, just as I like my boys to be. Myles fucking Willow had the audacity to rock up 10 minutes late to his first meeting and I made him swim out into the lake as punishment. I clear my throat and quickly pat Jeff on the shoulder. It’s all I can give for now, but I know he needs a hell of a lot more. “Come in, Jack!” I called out.

12:26 Jack_Young: I open the door to the office, feeling nervous for some stupid reason like I always do. “Hi, sir” I smile as I walk in, turning to close the door behind me. There was someone else sitting next to Alistair, I wasn’t expecting one of the other instructors to be here too. I turn back to se-- No.. oh, fuck, NO! It can’t be.. It’s.. oh, shit.. It just turned a thousand degrees in here and my legs are fucking jelly. It’s Jeff fucking Rogers. My perfect man.. Oh, shit everything about him is so perfect. He’s gorgeous in every sense of the word, and so damn nice to go with it. Jeff has such a presence to him, a warmth, a confidence.. He’s everything I aspire to be and everything I could never be. I can’t remember the last time I saw him, but I’m so blindsided by this I think I feel myself going dizzy. “Uhm, sir! Hi--” I smile and laugh awkwardly. Fuck, it’s like a high school student talking to the teacher he had a crush on, only this runs much fucking deeper. I’m suddenly so aware of how busted up my face is right now. Why does he look so perfect and I look battered and bruised? I offer my hand out to him to shake. “It’s good to see you!” Understatement of the damn century. It’s never good to see Jeff Rogers. It’s fantastic, terrifying, inspiring, intoxicating and heartbreaking all at the same time. I love this man. I don’t know why, because my exposure to him is so limited.. But he holds himself so perfectly and so elegantly. He sits in his bearded beauty, and I realise that the bear I saw on the run was no longer the only bear I’ve seen today. Only this bear sitting before me I would hug, as I have before. He has only ever treated me with kindness. He’s a good man right through to his core. Perfect.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: As the clock ticks, my emotions begin roiling inside me. I pride myself on my professionalism, my coolhead, my emotional control, the result of intense focus and discipline over a long career. But Trent was able to shatter that control… leading to the most amazing night of my life. I’d never met anyone quite like Trent, a man who was so kind, so considerate, and yet hard as steel. Until… Jack. He not only looked like his father, but in even the few times I’ve spoken or met him, I could see that same core of consideration, that same core of kindness, yet he had the steel in him as well. I shouldn’t be in love with Trent’s son, it wasn’t right, wasn’t proper, and yet… It didn’t seem to matter. With Jack, like with Trent, my emotions felt almost out of control. Then, suddenly, I noticed Alistair. He was squirming in his seat, he looked nervous and uncertain in a way that was not natural for my best friend. He started to speak, then there was a knock at the door. My stomach does flip-flops, and I fight hard to keep my feelings battened down. This meeting was about Jack’s wellbeing, not about my own desires. They had no place here, in this room. What mattered here and now was Jack, not me.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: My discipline wound iron tight, I turned and watched as Jack entered. I was looking directly at him as he turned to stare at me, the shock of recognition, the embarrassment and uncertainty written like a book on his face. Oh man… of course he’d feel that way, I mean, he knows I’m someone important in the CSIS, and I’ll bet he thinks I’m here to pass judgement on his performance. That was the furthest thing from my mind. What I really wanted was to sweep him up in my arms, nestle his face with my beard, and kiss his… JEFF. FOCUS. Now. This is NOT about you. This is about Jack. What is best for Jack. I reach out my hand, and shake his firmly. My eyes scan his face, noting how bruised and battered he is. Well of course. The training is hard, and physical. I’d expect nothing less. If he’s made it this far, I’m sure he’ll make it the rest of the way. He’s holding his own, I can tell that much. And that face… his eyes, his beard, the way he holds his head. Oh fuck… he is so beautiful, the spitting image of Trent. The electricity that pulses up and down my spine when touching him disturbs me. The chemistry between us is evident. FOCUS. Jeff. FOCUS. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that beer with Alistair after all. I need every ounce of my self control to deal with my reactions just now. The poor boy stumbles over his words, no doubt terrified of me passing some kind of judgement on him. I focus hard, and speak up, “It’s good to see you again too, Jack. Your mother asked me to send you her regards.” She hadn’t of course. But I hoped maybe it would encourage Jack a little bit. It was a small lie. She certainly should have sent her regards. But what she had said when I told her that I was going to visit was too cruel to even think about. Then I continue. “I’m here just to observe. I make a few visits each year during the training, it’s standard procedure. Most of you will end up working for me when you graduate, since the anti-Syndicate division is the fastest growing wing of CSIS these days. Please, don’t mind me, continue as normal.”

12:26 Jack_Young: Jeff takes my hand in his and I could just melt into him. Feeling his skin against mine is absolute ecstasy, I want to pull him in for a hug, a kiss.. he remains to this day the only person I have ever felt like this about. My sexuality confuses even me, I don't know what I am. I'm not overly interested in men or women in general. I can appreciate when somebody is good-looking, but I never have a desire to act on those feelings. With Jeff, I can't help it.. I want him, in every sense of the word. I want to be strong enough to protect him, I want to come home to him smiling at me from the couch.. I want to sleep in his thick, hairy, muscular arms. Oh fuck, stop.. just stop. We drop hands and I take my seat opposite them both. I almost burst out laughing at Jeff's mention of my mother 'sending her regards'. I'm not sure what he thought he heard her say, but it certainly wasn't that. I appreciate his efforts, though.. god, he's so wonderful. The news of him popping up a few times over the course of the program terrifies me.. I can barely focus on this meeting, let alone actually performing well on the course when I know Jeff is going to be checking in on us every so often. He says 'please don't mind me' like it's even a damn possibility, everything revolves around his presence right now. I just nod and smile, uttering a polite "thank you, sir.." before forcing my attention onto Alistair. Please distract me, Alistair. Holy crap, please give me something - ANYTHING - to talk about. My palms are sweating.. holy hell, what does this guy to do me?

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: The greeting between Jeff and Jack has some sort of electricity to it, and I notice Jack slips into his sweet and shy mode instantly. He'd started coming out of his shell a bit, but something about Jeff being here has pushed him back in it. I know why Jeff is struggling, and I've decided to commit myself to talking to him about it afterwards. My friend won't suffer in silence anymore, and he knows he can talk to me free of judgement.. but Jack? My limited knowledge of these two is that they basically just know each other through Trent. His dad spoke very highly of Jeff, so there's no doubt an admiration on Jack's part. And then it clicks.. of course.. Jeff and Trent thought so highly of each other, and Jack's shithead brother's have proven to be successful agents.. Jack doesn't want to disappoint his family, and he certainly doesn't want to disappoint the man his father was closest to. Shit, this wasn't a good idea. I should have delayed Jack's meeting or told Jeff to come later - I've literally locked these two in a torture chamber with each other. "So, Jack.." I clear my throat and hopefully the air. "How are you doing? It's been a tough few days.. you've certainly come on with your fighting, and you picked up firearm initiation pretty quickly. Not bad for a guy with no experience in this before.. remind me what you did before all this?"

12:26 Jack_Young: Alistair cuts through the awkward tension like a knife and I'm so relieved. Just give me something to talk about, anything.. make me recite the script for the Kill Bill films word-for-word and I'll do it, ANYTHING! Just get me away from thinking about Jeff. "Uhm, I--" why do I always start a fucking sentence with 'uhm' or 'er' for fuck's sake. Just speak. "I was a paramedic for 4 years, so yeah not very used to holding guns" I chuckle lightly. "And I'm doing okay, thank you.." fuck, Alistair knows that's a lie based on our last wellbeing.. but I can't show that weak, pathetic side to Jeff. Not in a million years. "It's tough, but.. I'll keep going for as long as I can.." I smile again, cringing internally at how that last sentenced just oozed my self-doubt all over the floor. I never thought I'd say these words to myself, EVER.. but I really wish Jeff wasn't here right now.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I sit back, now that I’m not front and center in the interaction, I can focus more on reigning in my emotions, and observing. That is what I am here for, after all. Not to stare at Jack’s handsome features, and wish I could fold him in my arms, to care for him, to protect him… JEFF. Focus. I snap out of it, and listen intently. I can see that Alistair is on a bit of an edge, and I wouldn’t put it past him to feel the tension in the air. He was always gifted with deep perception, and no one knows me better than he does. Listening to Jack’s response is painful. He’s so down on himself, and yet, I know that there is more to him than his insecurities. He’s proven it. He was a damn good paramedic, and that job is NOT easy. He was hanging in with the brutal physical conditioning, and I’m not surprised to learn that he picked up firearms handling so quickly. He was sharp, and smart. I’d seen enough reviews from his school records and teacher evaluations to know that. I mean, I shouldn’t have indulged myself… technically, it was a breach of law to use my access for such things, but.. I made an exception for myself this one time. Normally, I was such a stickler for the rules, but.. where Jack was involved, it’s almost like the rules were thrown out the window. He had a hold of my heart, and never knew it. And I would make sure he had every opportunity to overcome his demons and forge his path in life. “I’ll keep going for as long as I can..” Those words cut through my heart like a knife. He had so little confidence in his own talent… I wish I could give him the confidence he lacked, but I couldn’t. It tore at me, but he’d have to find that for himself, somehow. If he truly was Trent’s son, if he truly had Trent’s spirit, he would. I knew it.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: Of course, Jack was a paramedic. I rarely forget things about my boys but that slipped my mind, maybe because he's the first kid that's come to this camp with a background like that. They're usually cops, ex-military or gym bunnies with rich fathers. Not Jack, sure it's in his blood to do this.. but he chose a job that helps people for years before committing to this. That speaks volume to me. "Jack, I want you to do something for me. Just.. close your eyes, clear your mind. Take some deep breaths. In... And out.. in.. out.. okay. I don't want you to dwell on this, don't even think about it.. just speak from the heart. What is something relating to all this training that you're really good at? A strength.." I watch Jack like a hawk, a small part of me is hoping he'll just blurt something out within seconds. Don't let the demons in, don't let them force you into this state of convincing yourself you're not good enough for this.. I silently egg him on, instilling confidence into him. Just say something, Jack..

12:26 Jack_Young: I close my eyes as Alistair commands, but Jeff is still there.. like a poster taped to the inside of my eyelids, there he is. I take some deep breaths and try and clear everything, as best as I can. My mind is never empty, it races at 100mph constantly.. but I can dial it back to about 60 for the sake of this. Then, Alistair gives his request and within an instant I go back to 100. Fuck.. something I'm good at!? Oh fuck me, I don't know.. it clearly isn't fighting. I picked up the firearms fairly quickly as Alistair said, but it could have been quicker. I'm not the fastest, strongest or biggest guy here.. I'm.. I'm nothing. Fuck, I can feel my hands going, No, no, no.. not now. I sit on them, I'm not letting them see my shakes, and I'm certainly not reaching for a rescue pill. The secret of being on anxiety pills will stay with me - and only me - until I die, but I hate having the spotlight on me. I hate looking in on myself to find answers, and this whole thing is triggering the anxiety. Come on for fucks sake, show some fucking balls, have some fucking spine. It's been too long since he asked.. I take another breath and just blurt out the only thing that sort of makes sense. "I'm good at getting back up.." oh fuck. Cringe. Major fucking cringe. I open my eyes again and shake my head. "Although that's bullshit because I shouldn't be going down in the first place.." I try and laugh it off, not wanting to seem like a tragic fucking child, but it's true. I have no excuse for going down the number of times that I have already.. absolutely fucking none.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: As Alistair leads Jack through a basic confidence exercise, asking Jack to simply relate something connected with the training that he was good at, I unconsciously lean forward in my seat, staring intently at Jack. It’s as though the stress and anxiety were written across his screwed up face, and his body started to tremble. Oh fuck, what demons my boy had. I wish I had the power to banish them. I wish.. I could take them away for him. I’d do almost anything to see that boy a proud, accomplished agent, secure and confident in his own talents. He was struggling, and struggling hard, but then suddenly, when he finally spoke, my jaw dropped open. Did he realize what he just said? Damn. There is no single talent, no single ability that is more valuable in the kind of work we do. The real purpose of this training was not to weed out the untalented or unqualified. It was to weed out the ones who quit when the going got rough. But Jack had just stated that he was not a quitter. He might have his demons, he might have to fight and struggle for every inch of progress in the shadow of their cold, destructive grip on his spirit, but he would fight, and keep fighting, no matter the odds. When he was knocked down, he’d get back up again. For the first time, I became utterly convinced that he would make it through the training program. No matter the odds he thought were stacked against him. We needed men like him. Not pretty muscle boys who were all flash and style, but crumpled at the first real challenge. We needed men with kind hearts, and generous spirits who despite the agony and pain of doing their job, did it anyways, day after day, refusing to quit. My heart suddenly surged with such a sense of total love for Jack that I had to look away, and quickly wipe away a tear beading in the corner of my eye.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: Jack takes his sweet time giving me an answer, but I have so much patience for him I actually surprise myself. There's something about Jack.. he has a certain charm and sometimes I feel like he's got me under his spell. I want to help him, more than any other fucker on the program. Jack has far too much potential to be beaten down by his own mind. I know exactly what's going on inside his head right now. Every answer he comes up with is met with a dark voice telling him he's not as good as he thinks he might be. He eventually gives me what I want, and I'm impressed at his recognition of how important a skill like resilience is in a job like ours. But instantly, he backtracks and turns it into something ugly. "No, Jack. That's good. And I completely agree.. you went down hard 4 times on your first day, and you clawed your way back on top, impressively so. You've been down a couple of times since then and you've done the same thing.. you're going to get beaten down in this job, Jack. Brutally so.. and you will get back on your feet and push through, like you've displayed already. You focus on the negative far too much. Yeah, you went down.. but you got back up, and with style. Don't let your head convince you that the only thing to take away from that whole thing is how many times you went down. I don't give a shit if you go down once, twice or seven times.. as long as you overcome it and show me that fire, which you did. Why don't you celebrate yourself, Jack? What happens inside when you try and congratulate yourself.. you've done well in your first month here, what stops you from accepting that?" I'm not sure if I'm asking the right questions here, maybe probing Jack too much will cause him to retreat into his shell even more.. but I have to try. I have to get through to him.. he can be amazing, he.. he could be Jeff. Jeff has his demons but he masters them, he buries them under a pile of ambition, determination and professionalism. Jack can do the same.. he just needs help.

12:26 Jack_Young: I listen to Alistair try his best to get through to me, and I try desperately to take it on board. I appreciate his words, I really, truly do.. I know I am my own worst enemy, and I know I haven't actually done badly at all during my time here.. I just convince myself otherwise all the time. Jeff's silence worries me, too.. I know he's here to observe but I feel like I'm disappointing him. My dad had his insecurities, but he knew how to push past them.. not drown in them like I am right now. Jeff expected better of me, I know that for a fact.. then Alistair asks me a terrifying question. Oh, no.. that's not something I think I even know the answer to. But.. the answer is crystal clear. I need to confront it.. it's time I said it out loud. I can't hide away anymore and keep this all inside, I want to be a CSIS agent and a fucking good one at that. If overcoming all this bullshit in my mind is the way to achieve that, then so be it.. I take a breath, ready for how much this might hurt. "I guess. I guess I've just never been celebrated by anybody else. Not since Dad, at least.. my brother's are assholes. I grew up in a house where everything I did was wrong, everything about who I am as a person was wrong. That's just been going on for.. years.." I sigh, not making eye contact with any of them. This just turned real and fast.. I hate it, but.. it needs to come out. "I-- I've never felt.. okay being me--" I'm interrupted by a loud, metallic clang outside the window, followed by angry, shouting voices. "--the hell?" I act on pure instinct and run out the room to whatever the hell is going on, only to find Eli and Zane in a massive, bloody fight. I run over and immediately get between them with my back to Zane. I face Eli and hold a hand to his chest as he tries to fight past me. "Eli, Eli.. Eli! Look at me, look at me.. don't do this, he's not worth it. Come on, don't throw all this away for someone like him. Look at me!" Alistair doesn't tolerate fights, he's warned us about it enough times. I'm not letting Eli throw everything away because fucking Zane wound him up. I have a good relationship with Eli, a really good one.. but I don't know if it's close enough that I can calm him down when he's like this. “Just breathe, man.. Focus on me..”

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: Then, Alistair speaks up. I turn back to watch the exchange between Alistair and Jack. I sat back in awe as Alistair, like myself, recognized the power in Jack’s strength, and guided him gently towards acknowledging and owning his successes. His skill at this absolutely blew me away. Not only could Alistair be a total hard-ass with the boys, he could be a counselor, and a guiding father figure as well. He was the total package, and he turned out agents that made the CSIS proud. He saw Jack’s worth, as I did. Jack began to respond, opening up, showing his vulnerability. Alistair has coaxed him out of his shell. He admits the shit situation at his home, but his eyes are downcast as he struggles to expose his demons to us. I know how hard this is, I long to reach out and put my hand on his shoulder… but that’s not my place. I will Jack to continue silently, I know you can do this Jack, you can. Then, suddenly, there is a commotion outside in the training yard. Fighting. To my astonishment, the first one out of the room wasn’t me or Alistair, but Jack. He darted out. I followed alongside Alistair, prepared to intervene and pull fighting students apart. Alistair will NOT put up with that crap. These two might be expelled. But… what I see again blows me away. Almost as though he was born to it, Jack shoves himself in between the two students. How much he was like his father. Trent was an expert at de-escalating. And apparently, so was his son. The small one, Eli, I recognize from his portfolio, and the other one, the “Arrogant Asshole”, Zane. Zane had a smirk on his face, but Eli’s face was contorted with rage. I didn’t intervene though… Jack was showing a side of himself that astounded me, and I wasn’t going to interfere. I exchanged a glance with Alistair, and I could see the same look of astonishment and interest on his face. This situation was no longer about Elias or Zane, it was all about Jack… He was working to de-escalate the situation with a skill and authority that takes expert agents years to master. Here was another strength of his.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I hope I’ve taken the right tack with Jack, I hope I can finally start to draw him deeper out of his shell. He needs to learn not to be afraid of his demons, he needs to learn to harness them, defang them, build up his confidence and determination to the point his demons will stay corralled. He stumbles over his answer. This is painful in so many ways, but encouraging. I glance over at Jeff, he is raptly gazing at Jack, I can see him silently willing Jack to keep trying. When he finally starts to speak, I want to cheer.. he’s opening up, finally.. he’s opening up. It’s a huge step. I sit there, my expression open and inviting, encouraging, letting him know he’s doing fine. Then, suddenly there is a massive metallic clang. What the fuck? Are the students fighting? There is going to be bloody hell to pay… Then, suddenly, my initial reaction dies aborning… Look at Jack… He’s the first out the door. The reaction was instinctive. This was interesting. A new side of Jack. Let’s see where this is going before I step in and bring the hammer down. I follow, with Jeff at my side, outside. I stand back and watch in astonishment and amazement as Jack surges in between Eli and Zane. Zane had a disgusting smirk on his face, and Eli’s face was suffused with rage. Oh fuck. That bastard Zane. I listen in amazement as Jack works to de-escalate like a pro. I exchanged glances with Jeff. Trent had this gift… he had it stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. I’ve warned the students about the consequences of fighting. I will come down on any student who violates these rules with a ruthless heavy hand. You do NOT fight each other without my permission. But… I stay my hand, and listen as Jack takes Eli in hand, calming him down. My eyes, though, are on Zane. I narrow them in a suspicious gaze, like a laser, willing my gaze to drill through that arrogant smirk and fry the bastard. Everyone knows how volatile Eli is right now, with the whole situation involving his mother. I would bet my life on the fact that Zane used that to goad Eli. If I find proof of that… But I have to figure out how to deal with this situation. Discipline had to be maintained. But first, let’s see how Jack the de-escalator gets on before I wield my authority.

12:26 Elías_Santiago: "I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!" I scream at Zane as I get back to my feet again. He threw me into a fucking pile of barrels and it hurt like shit, but I'm fucking enraged. My blood is white-hot and I want his fucking throat ripped open. I'm killing him, and I'm fucking killing him now. I go to attack, but suddenly Jack is front of me, with some guy and Alistair in tow. Jack holds me back, but I'm trying to fight past him as I scream at Zane. "I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM, JACK! HE WENT AFTER MY MOM, MY FUCKING MOM!" Last week, my mom was arrested for driving under the influence and nearly killing a famous soccer player. She's been all over the news, she's been shamed and laughed at.. my mom has her issues and I've tried so fucking hard to help her, and this piece of shit.. he.. he.. I fucking roar as I continue to fight past Jack, but he starts guiding me away. I'm all busted open, but so is Zane. He's bleeding nicely, and I'll finish the job, I'll finish the fucking job.. I hear Jack's words and I know what he's trying to do, but I'm seeing red right now and I can't.. I fucking can't.. I force myself to look at Jack as he commands. He has such a calming presence.. It is only because I like him so much that I'm not beating the shit out of him right now to get to Zane. I won’t lay a finger on Jack, not even when I’m mad as hell like this.. But it isn’t fair. Zane doesn’t get to just say shit like that and get away with it. I’ll kill him.

12:26 Zane_Reynolds: I stand back, feeling the blood trickle down my face. For such a small little waste of space, Eli sure throws a hard fist. But that was a small price to pay to see this runt thrown out. He didn’t belong here. Neither he nor Jack were proper material to serve as Agents. Too small, too insecure, too pathetic. When we found out what had happened to Eli’s mom, how that stupid cunt had nearly killed that soccer star while under the influence, it was as though I’d been handed a gift. All I needed to do was goad this little shit into attacking me in front of Alistair, and job done. One less pathetic waste of space. So far, it is going well. I’d started mocking his mother in front of him, and he’d gone apeshit. I threw him into some barrels when he snapped and busted my lip, but that was okay, Alistair wasn’t here to see it. But now, Alistair and some other bearded agent visiting had come out together. But… I hadn’t counted on Jack. Jack charged in and kept Eli from jumping me. I stood looking into Eli’s eyes with a smirk on my face. One more little push, one more and job done. With an insulting sneer in my voice, I provide that small push, “Don’t worry Eli, I’m sure your Mommy will be happy to come pick you up once you get expelled…” Then, theatrically, I slap my hand on my forehead, as a bead of blood drips down my mouth, “Oh, but I forgot… her license has been suspended hasn’t it? You know… for…” I tilt my head back and bring my hand up to my mouth, pantomiming the act of drinking a bottle of whiskey. Zach starts doubling up, laughing at my performance.

12:26 Elías_Santiago: Jack continues to calm me, and I feel him breaking through the surface now. I can’t help but keep my focus on Zane, though.. Who.. he just.. My stomach cramps in anger as my heart absolutely crumples in my chest. My fist clenches so tightly my arms shake from the strain.. The fucking mockery… I don’t know what comes over me, but a new wave of strength takes hold as I barge past Jack with an angry roar. If I get my hands on Zane, he’s fucking dead. I’ll smash his face in with a fucking rock. “I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!”

12:26 Jack_Young: I can’t let Eli throw this away, he’s got so much potential and it’s his life goal to pass this course and become an agent. I can’t see that go down the drain, absolutely fucking not. I keep calming him, drawing his attention to me.. But then I hear Zane’s disgusting words and catch sight of his reflection in the window as he imitates drinking a bottle. For a split second, I feel just as angry as Eli. What an absolute piece of shit. What a stupid fucking immature teenager this guy is.. But I act quickly, knowing Eli will launch at him, and if he gets a hold of him then he’ll only be punished for losing his shit. He’d do damage to Zane that Alistair couldn’t excuse.. What good is an agent that can’t control his anger? “NO YOU DON’T!” I quickly sidestep in front of Eli again, catching him as he surges forward and goes around me. I grip both of his biceps as I try with all my might to wrestle with him, holding him back. Jesus fucking christ he’s strong for his size, he’s putting everything he has into this. “Zane, just shut the fuck up you pathetic child!” That's all I’m saying to him, my attention is solely on Eli. I speak with such a commanding, almost confident, tone I don’t even recognise. “Eli, don’t.. He’s not worth it, he’s not fucking worth it. You’re 10 times the man and 10 times the agent he’ll ever be. Do NOT throw all this away because this arrogant prick keeps running his mouth. He’s a waste of space, Eli.. but you’re not, and neither is your mom..” I don’t give a shit that Zane can hear me, that prick is dead to me now. I’m running out of things to say to Eli and I can’t restrain him forever, I don’t own him, and I can’t control him.. I just need to get through to him and let him make his own decisions. I release my hold, blocking his view of Zane as I stare into his eyes, begging for him to focus on me. “Please.. Don’t. I need you here..” the words are true, without Eli I’d be fucking falling apart more than I already am. When it comes to the class, Eli is my rock. Everyone else either gets off on beating me down, physically and emotionally, or they pretend I don’t exist. “Just breathe..”

12:26 Elías_Santiago: I’m so fuelled by my anger, I’ve never felt like this before. My mom is everything to me, she’s been the only constant in my life. My dad walked out on us when I was 5, and mom raised me by herself. I eventually reconnected with my dad, and we’ve always had a rocky relationship.. But the guilt I’ve always felt is overwhelming. It’s like I cheated on my mom or something, a creepy thought but really fucking accurate. Reintroducing my dad into our lives was hard on mom, especially since he’s now married to a young, blonde Russian bombshell called Inessa. I owe her so much, and the recent events have absolutely floored me.. But Jack somehow chips away at that rage. A moment ago.. I truly believed I would have killed Zane. It would have been brutal and bloody.. And I’d have been standing over his corpse, getting fucking handcuffed by Alistair or something. I don’t know how he’s managed to do it.. But I look into his eyes, his calm, ocean-blue eyes, and listen to his warm, almost stern, voice. I don’t recognise Jack right now, I don’t know where this guy came from.. But holy shit, he’s done it. His words really struck a chord with me, and now all I feel is.. Oh, fuck. No.. don’t cry, not in front of Zane. I look at Jack, shaking from all the emotion that flooded my entire body, and nod slightly.

12:26 Jack_Young: Fuck.. it worked. I did it.. Eli was off his damn head then.. But now he’s sort of calm. I can see the emotion flooding his eyes though. Fuck, no. He’s not crying in front of Zane and.. Shit, the whole class is here now pretty much. Absolutely no way, I grab his shoulder and gently twist him around so that his back is to the class. I walk with my arm over his shoulder away from the group. I glance at Zane and shoot him daggers. “Fucking asshole..” I mutter to him, loud enough for him to hear because one thing I’m not is a coward. I know what to do with Eli, I just hope Alistair won’t punish him for this. As I lead Eli into the main building, we approach Jeff and Alistair. I look at them both, my eyes lingering for far too long on Jeff.. fuck, I wish he hadn’t saw that. Getting in between a fight like that was probably reckless and I could have ended up getting hurt.. It was stupid and impulsive. “I’m going to take Eli away and.. Help him.. Is that alright, sir? Sirs..” I grin at them both. Oh, Jeff.. I can’t even look at him without physically hurting inside as the pressure in my chest builds. I.. I love him.. I fucking love him.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I’m glad, so glad that Alistair has not intervened. What we are witnessing unfold in front of us is pure gold. How can a man who is so down on himself have such an incredible talent and not realize it? Zane lives up to his one line summary, and deliberately mocks Eli further. The display is totally disgusting. Infantile. And yet, if Eli reacts and assaults Zane because of it, Alistair will have no recourse but to expel Eli. I hold my breath as Jack wrestles with Eli, physically and emotionally, unleashing such an awe-inspiring surge of empathy that it manages to defuse Eli’s white-hot wrath. Holy shit. I am in total awe. He leads Eli away, with tender care and loving support, passing by me. His eyes fall on me, and I return his gaze, fighting to keep the sudden explosion of love from destroying my emotional control. Jack is so perfect… and he doesn’t even know it. So chained by his demons.. I want to hold him, hug him, kiss him, give him all the love and support he needs, but I can’t. I can’t. When he asks us permission to take Eli away, I nod, reinforcing Alistair’s own affirmative response. But I can’t help adding, “That was well done, Jack.”

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: It’s not often that I’ve had a student like Jack. Someone so down on themselves, struggling with such self-destructive demons, and yet hiding a genius-level talent. When that arrogant asshole started mocking Eli, I was sure Eli was going to snap and assault Zane. Then, I’d have to take steps. Even though I knew Zane was the one at fault, the rules were the rules. If Eli couldn’t learn to control his temper… but he didn’t. And it was all down to our budding genius, Jack. Jack actually talked him down, using the right blend of physical restraint and empathy to cut through Eli’s white hot rage. Astonishing. As he leads Eli towards me, he looked first at Jeff. The look he directed at Jeff, that was the look of a worshipful, adoring boy. My eyes narrowed…. Did Jack… but then he turned to me and asked permission to help out Eli. I spoke up then, after giving him quick nod. I reached out my hand and put it on his shoulder. My voice rang throughout the courtyard. “I want everyone here to realize that Jack has just provided an advanced lesson in de-escalation. I hope everyone was taking very good notes, because I couldn’t have taught the technique half as well as Jack just demonstrated.” I give Jack’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze, and send him on his way. Then, my eyes turn to Zane. “Mr. Reynolds. My office in five minutes.” His expression was like poisonous rage, no doubt the sight of his thinly-veiled plan to expel Eli blowing up in his face as I congratulated Jack was more than the asshole could stomach. He was going to stop this infantile bullshit. One way or the other.

12:26 Zane_Reynolds: I sit back, smirking, as Eli goes white hot. I hold out my chin, and shut my eye. Go ahead, you little pathetic runt. Hit me. But then, the blow doesn’t land, instead I hear Jack scuffling with Eli, then he starts spouting some kind of emo crap into Eli’s ear, and would you fucking believe it? The shit listens to him. My jaw drops open as Jack leads him off. NO FUCKING WAY!!! Then, suddenly, Alistair speaks up spouting how Jack just gave us an advanced lesson in de-escalation. My expression turns as sour as poison, before Alistair catches my gaze. That gaze… could drill a hole in two feet of titanium. Suddenly, I don’t feel so certain. His office in five minutes. My rage towards Jack and Eli reaches a new height. I will get them. I will fucking make them pay for this.

12:26 Jack_Young: Oh, shit! My face turns bright red as I hear Alistair proclaim my apparent success. I don’t even know what I did right, I was just calming my friend down? I smile and thank him as he squeezes my shoulder. And Jeff.. oh, sweet Jeff.. his praise sends a shiver through to my core. I feel like a puppy who just pissed on the lawn for the first time instead of in the house, and Jeff is calling me a good boy. I hate that I feel so dwarfed by everybody, and I hate how he makes me feel as much as I love it. I have to tear myself away from Jeff for now. I don’t know when I’ll see him again.. “Thank you, sir. It was good to see you again.” he has no idea just how true those words are. I continue to guide an emotional Eli into the gymnasium, then go into the storage cupboard and grab boxing gloves and pads. Eli is going to take everything out on me, right here, right now. I throw the gloves to him. “Come on..” I apply the pads to my forearms, hitting them together as I stand opposite him.

12:26 Elías_Santiago: I have no idea what’s happening anymore, I haven’t been listening to anyone or anything for the past few minutes. I’m in a haze as I fight this emotion with everything I have. I’m so fucking angry that Zane has made me feel like this, I don’t cry. I never cry.. But this.. This whole situation is killing me slowly. Jack guides me into the gymnasium and.. Oh, fuck.. Seriously? He tosses the boxing gloves to me, and I really don’t feel up to it. “Jack, I.. thanks, but I’m just not in the mood..” I watch as he puts the pads on, this guy is really adamant about this, isn’t he? I sigh and put the gloves on, feeling the rage bubbling under the surface but I don’t want to commit to it.. Jack takes his stance and I raise my fists. I throw a punch to his padded forearm, but I can’t do it.. If I go as hard as I want to, then I’ll hurt Jack. It’ll be like the pads don’t even exist.

12:26 Jack_Young: I’m not letting Eli wallow in this, I know what it’s like to bottle everything up and it’s fucking hell on earth. Eli isn’t going down the same path, so he has no choice. He tried to back out of it, saying he isn’t in the mood. “Yes, you are. You have a lot of shit bubbling up inside you right now, and you need to get it out. I’m not letting you sit with this, man. So.. give me everything you’ve got..” I can see that there is still an anger burning in his eyes, mixed with the emotion of how Zane played with his head. He shakes his head and I can see he still won’t do it.. I have to draw this out of him another way. “Eli, look at me. I’m Zane. I’m Zach. I’m every fucking troll on the internet that’s called your mom a mess, wished her dead or laughed at her..” Eli’s face changes slightly, and I know I’m getting it out of him, slowly.. I have to bring out my big guns now. I have to be cruel to get the best out of him.. He needs this, I know he does. Without saying a word, I just repeat Zane’s disgusting action of pretending to drink from a bottle, to remind Eli of all the anger he’s burying deep in his gut. I barely do it for a second before he launches at me.

12:26 Elías_Santiago: I want to do it, I could so easily fucking do it.. But I don’t want to hurt him. He starts riling me up, drawing the rage out from under my skin where it lays in impatient waiting. I could so easily pretend he was Zane, or Zach, or any fucker.. Even my dad made a comment about her, saying this is why he left her.. Fuck.. No, it’s coming.. It’s fucking coming.. Jack, you don’t want to be here.. Then he imitates Zane’s mockery and I fucking explode, all the rage surges through my body as I absolutely fucking unleash onto the pads. I roar in absolute anger as I pound into Jack’s forearms, fast and strong. I want to fucking tear the world apart, burn it to fucking ashes. “AAARRRGGGHHHH!” I scream as I build up a sweat, then keep going.. And going.. I lose myself in this rage, feeling like it will never end.. then I realise I’m absolutely dripping in sweat, my breathing is rapid, my heart is racing and leaping out of my throat, I can taste blood, my vision is blurred.. Holy.. fuck.. What- what happened.. What, what was that? I have no idea how much time has passed, I.. I can’t fucking breathe, I’m exhausted.. My punches slow down, and so does my mind.. They grow weaker as the rage subsides, only to be replaced with.. Fuck.. tears flood my eyes as the true emotion takes a hold of me. I.. I just fucking sob.. In a way I never have.. Every ounce of poison that has filled my body over the last week comes out in an ugly, volatile sob.. “It’s not fair.. It’s not fucking fair, Jack.. why!?”

12:26 Jack_Young: Holy shit, I wasn’t expecting this sheer force.. He’s like a missile, drilling into the pads again and again.. He’s so fast, so strong.. Screaming in an absolute rage as he takes everything out on me. He loses himself, and I have to plant a foot behind me to keep myself anchored and upright. I’m astounded at his primal rage, his sheer, brute strength.. It’s quite intimidating, but I know this will help him. Get it all out.. He goes and goes and goes, and about 10 minutes later he finally slows, completely exhausted.. My arms are throbbing with a dull ache from the onslaught, but thank god these pads are thick. His punches stop as I see his face turn, and.. Shit.. I thought this was coming. I rip the pads off me as quickly as I can, then hold Eli close. “Okay, buddy.. Okay, it’s okay..” I embrace him, letting him sob into my chest. “I know it’s not.. Come on” I pat his back as he lets it all out.. Nobody should ever have to hold this all inside.. Fuck, I’m a hypocrite. I hold Eli for as long as he needs, I don’t care if it’s hours.. “It’s okay, man.. Let it out..”

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: “--If I ever, EVER catch you trying to manipulate and provoke Eli or anybody else on this campus into fighting you, you’ll be out on your ass. You’re pathetic, like a fucking bully at high school. You think that’s what makes a good agent? Congratulations, all you did was set up Jack for really having a moment to shine, and I hope that got under your skin. What you saw out there was a real act of brotherhood and teamwork, the kind of stuff our true agents thrive on. So get your fucking act together, stop acting like a fucking child and start being a part of this team. Now get the fuck out..” I watch as Zane stands and sulks out of the room. I hate that guy, oh I fucking hate that guy. We need his muscles and fighting skills, but that’s about it.. He needs to start bringing a lot more to the table. I look at Jeff and shake my head, patting his shoulder. “Never a dull day, eh?” I reach two more beers out of the fridge, cracking them open and handing one to Jeff. I give him a once over and feel my gut clench and twist.. I’ve picked up on so much today, and I’ve seen just how broken he is over Trent.. “I, uhm.. I think we need to talk..” And there we have it. There’s no turning back now.. I’m no longer watching Jeff suffer like this, it’s gone on for too long. I’m his friend, I’m his brother.. This unspoken truth between us ends right now.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I take a breath, twitching slightly.. Why is this so hard? “I know about you and Trent..” I sit on the desk in front of him, keeping eye contact with him the entire time as I look up at him, seeing the pain in his eyes. “I.. I’m sorry I’ve never said it.. But I don’t think you realise what you said that night you got drunk.. I’m mentioning it now, because.. I saw the moment Jack walked through that door what it did to you. I.. I didn’t know it was hurting you this much, and I should have thought.. I just want you to know that.. I’m sorry. I’m sorry we lost Trent. He was an amazing man.. And he deserved so much better. He deserves to be here and watch Jack develop like this.. But that’s your job now. Do it for him, Jeff. Be here because he can’t.. I saw it in Jack’s eyes too, there’s an admiration there.. A real deep respect and fondness for you..” Fuck, I don’t know what I’m trying to say anymore, I’m no good at this. I can counsel my students but not my dearest friend. “Are.. are you alright?”

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: It is a true pleasure to sit back and watch a master practice his craft. The dressing down he gave that asshole Zane was deeply satisfying. I grin at Alistair as Zane slinks out of the office, and catch the beer he hands to me. I nod, “Boredom is not an occupational hazard for us, is it?” Then, suddenly Alistair's entire demeanor changes, he gets that ultra serious look, that look I’ve learned to read. A look that says this won’t be fun. I take a sip of beer, as he gathers himself. Then, I stiffen at his revelation. I…
Though.. Guessed… maybe he… what I said when… My emotions start to churn again. Old wounds re-opened… wounds that never fully healed. Trust Alistair to get right to the point. He never did beat around the bush. And what he says next… echoes what I have thought so many times. I want so badly to see Jack prosper, to see him thrive, to give him the encouragement, the love, the support that he needs… But how much does Alistair see, does he realize that I don’t want to be Jack’s father? Does he realize that what I feel for him is so much more than that… And that’s why I have to keep my distance. I can’t let myself feel that way about him. I take another sip of beer, and the emotion churning in my guts is so strong, my hand is shaking. I put my bottle down on the table, and stare at Alistair… I want him to understand why I have to keep my distance. I don’t know how to say it… I don’t want to utter those words.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I see Jeff go through the motions of something, and my whole body detests what I am witnessing. Fuck.. maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.. I didn’t realise just how churned up about this Jeff was. I put my hand on his bicep and hold him tight, standing in front of him now. “I’m sorry, Jeff.. I’m no good at this, just..” I take a breath, trying to think of what to say to him, how to help him, how to show him I love him and want him to be okay. “You’re welcome here, you know that. I want you to do whatever is best for you.. If that’s watching Jack and nurturing him, then great, come more often, we’ll watch him together. We’ll build him up, he’ll do you proud.. But if it’s too hard for you, if it’s breaking you apart like I’m worried it is.. Then please just do whatever is best for you. I’m here for you, and I support you, whatever you decide. I just want you to know that.. I know. I don’t want you to be alone in this.. I love you, man. I hate seeing you like this..” this is so difficult.. So damn difficult, I don’t know how to manage this situation, I don’t know the true nature of what I’m dealing with. How deep does this go? Is he hurting more over Jack or Trent? I don’t know if I’m coming in at him from the right angles or.. anything. It’s all a mess.. I just want my dear Jeff to be alright.. I can tell he wants to say something, and I think I’ve overwhelmed him. Maybe I came on so strong because Zane riled me up.. Fucking asshole.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: As I fight and wrestle with the conflicting emotions roiling in my gut, I look up as Alistair reaches out to plant his hand on my bicep. The touch is warm, full of concern and care. Alistair is my friend. He stands in front of me, and continues, and I realize that no matter how good I might be at hiding my emotions from others, Alistair sees through me as though I was made of glass. I feel like crying right then. I want to tell Alistair… but should I? Could I? It was so shameful…. But he understands me like no one else. I look up, and manage to make my tongue work again. “Thank you man… you know I love you, Alistair… But, Alistair… I…” I swallow. “Jack … is all that I have left of Trent… I swear to you, that I will do everything in my power to give him every opportunity to succeed and achieve his full potential… but I have .. I have to be careful. I have to keep .. keep my distance. I can’t let myself….” And I break off, the emotions threatening to shatter me if I said those forbidden words. He had to know… Alistair had to know what I couldn’t say, and why.

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I listen to Jeff’s word with such a focus, and I read between the lines to discover.. Something.. I might be wrong.. Oh, hell.. I can’t believe I’m about to ask this question. “Jeff..” I grab both of his shoulders as I stare deep into his eyes, right into his fuckins soul as I utter out my question. Oh man, I’m sweating.. “Do.. do you have feelings for Jack?” The striking similarities between Jack and his father, combined with Jeff’s desire to see him succeed but also wanting to keep his distance.. Holy shit, this might be even more serious than I ever imagined. I think I’ve jumped way ahead, and I’m so worried I might even offend Jeff by asking the question.. It was a leap of faith, but it kind of makes sense. There is something about Jack.. he’s charming and stirs you up inside when he’s down on himself.. I’m resilient to it, I really like the kid but I don’t have the history. Jeff does.. And I think I might have just cracked the egg.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: Suddenly, Alistair leans forward and grabs my shoulders, staring at me hard. I’m trembling, and my face is turning pale. Oh god…. What is he going to do… He knows. He has to know. And then he asks the question. I swallow, and I realize I’ve broken out in a cold sweat. What to say? How can I answer that question? I stumble once or twice, unable to break away from his gaze, I feel like a deer in the headlights. What will he think of me? Is this the end of our friendship? Fuck… I swallow again, starting to feel naseated… Alistair was holding my career, my life in his hands. But I trusted him, I trusted him more than anyone else in the world. Then, I speak up. “Alistair, I can’t…. I can’t have feelings for him. It wouldn’t be proper. That kind of thing isn't permitted. You know that.”

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I watch the play of emotions dance across Jeff's face, and my gut twists so uncomfortably inside my body as I come to the realisation that my instinct was right. Jeff's words only confirm that. My mind races through a thousand words, dipping into every emotion I can think of as I try and unravel this absolute shitstorm of information. Agents entering romantic relationships isn't forbidden as some believe, but it is certainly frowned upon because of how messy it can get. It interferes with mission planning and can cloud a man's judgement out in the field.. you risk becoming unreliable and impulsive as a result. But then.. I think more on it as the silence falls upon us, and.. I love Jeff. What's the difference, really? I love him like a brother, but the thought of him getting hurt is just as bad. My mind would go to places knowing he was trouble.. is there really any difference?

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: I don't really know what to say, but before I even realise, my mouth is open and I'm speaking from the heart. I'm not even running my own lips right now, the words are so natural. "Jeff.. that's not what I asked you. I didn't ask if you could love him, I asked if you did.. and in giving me that answer, you've given me the real one.." I sigh, clasping his biceps in affection. "I.. I can't imagine how much that's ripping you apart, and I sure as hell can understand why you do. You lost the love of your life a few years ago, and now somebody with his blue eyes, kind soul and bewitching vulnerability has entered your life.. Jack is so much like him, and I don't blame you.. I see the appeal, I really do.. I just want you to be okay. You have two choices, Jeff. Either stay away and I'll update you on his progress over the phone, you can give your heart a rest and step back from the situation.. or, come more often. Watch him thrive, learn how to be around him and deal with your emotions. I'm here to support you either way, whatever you decide.." I pull him in for a warm embrace, I don't want Jeff to fall apart over this, but Lord knows he probably has already. "You're so brave, Jeff.. and I admire you so much for it. This can't be easy, not in the slightest.. but you've got this.."

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I feel torn up inside, the room is spinning, and I’m trembling in fear. I’m fighting to keep the tremendous shame I feel under control. Normally, love between Agents was fine… but, these circumstances were different. I was in a position of authority over Jack, and … there were whole case histories why that was a bad idea. Plus, if it became known that I loved Jack, everyone would think that Jack’s success was due to my favoritism rather than his own talents. I couldn’t love Jack. I couldn’t. I … loved him too much to be in love with him. What fucking crazy assed logic is that, Jeff? I cursed at myself. Then, I became aware of the intensity playing across Alistair’s face as he processed what I had revealed. I cringed inside, preparing myself for his judgement, and then he spoke up, grabbing my bicep as the words of support poured out of him. I was blown away by how understanding Alistair was. But of course he was… why did I ever think he would be anything but supportive? Trembling, feeling vulnerable, I wrap my arms around him, hugging him fiercely, then, I stepped back, holding his shoulders, and looked him in the eye, “This is not about me, Alistair. This is about Jack. It’s all about Jack. You saw him out there today in the training yard. He has such talent… What I want, what I feel for him, doesn’t matter. What matters is that he gets the support and encouragement he needs to achieve his full potential. So you bet I’ll be coming back to watch his progress, to give him that support, and encouragement. I swear, I’ll do everything in my power to give him the opportunities he needs to become the star agent he is.”

12:26 Jack_Young: That was a lot of emotion to take on board from just one person.. holy crap, Eli let it out. He let every last drop of all the rage and sorrow, humiliation and despair he felt over the situation with his mom. It was violent, loud and my shirt was soaked.. but it's okay. He's okay. He calmed down and decided to go out for a run to clear his head, feel nature and all that lovely, calming stuff. He'll be alright.. but I need to work extra hard to make sure Zane stays the fuck away from him. My blood boils thinking about that asshole, stupid high school mean girl bullshittery. I glance at the clock and realise I have an apology to make, I ran out of my meeting with Jeff and Alistair, and didn't get the chance to apologise for that in the chaos that ensued. Alistair really stresses the importance of those meetings, and maybe I should have let him deal with the fight so that we could get back to it.. but then I fear Eli would have been packing his bags. I make my way to his office and knock on the door, but.. fuck.. the door wasn't closed properly and it creaks open as I knock. My heart stops, I came here to fucking apologise not be rude and barge in, and then.. the opening door reveals Jeff and Alistair standing a little close, embracing each other.. I grab the edge of the door to stop it opening more as they notice me. "Aagggh, fuck! I'm, err, I'm sorry, I didn't open that, I didn't mean to just walk in, it.. it wasn't closed and I," oh shit, I've really walked in on something here, which brings along a whole slew of thoughts.. are they an item? Was it just friendly? But what I notice above all that is that Jeff is in distress, and the sight of that tears my soul apart into a million pieces.. and here I am awkwardly barging in on them like a fucking child running around unsupervised. "I'm sorry, again, I'll go, carry on.." CARRY ON!? Yes, Jeff.. carry on crying, please. Fuck me, Jack.. what the hell.. I start closing the door back to as my heart races, what an absolute fucking shit storm that turned out to be. Fuck me for just trying to be polite, I end up doing the complete opposite..

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: As Jeff speaks I realise just how long this has been churning in his gut and just how long his mind has been poisoned with thoughts about how wrong it is to love Jack. I take a breath, but it's time for some of my famous tough love. I'm not allowing this. "Jeff, no. Don't just completely invalidate your feelings here. It's just as much about you as it is him, he'll be fine. He'll survive and thrive and be great, after some love and nurturing.. but what about you? How will you thrive like this?" I hold him tight and close, forcing my love through my hold so he knows I'm not judging him, I'm not blaming him.. I'm here for him. A few moments later, the door knocks and.. it fucking opens. No. Absolutely not, you do NOT walk in without me giving you the go ahead to do so. I'm going to rip this fucking little shit a new asshole, whoever it is.. seeing Jack baffles me, he's not like that, he certainly knows better than that.. but just as I'm about to bellow, I see how unintentional it was and he explains about the door.. ZANE! Fucking Zane left it unclosed and now I'm fucking mad, because this.. oh holy shit this is awkward.. and I'm never awkward. What are these two doing to me!? "Jack! It's, um.. it's alright, don't worry, just.. come back later, alright?" I glance at Jeff with a little fear in my eye, I'm sure Jack is the last person he needs to see right now with everything that's just come out. I'm cringing internally.. This is a disaster, and a perfect example of how things can get so messy when you're in love with another agent..

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: Alistair has me trapped tightly in his bearhug. I’m almost ashamed to even admit to myself how much I need this right now. I admit, I wasn’t prepared for the full impact seeing Jack had on me. In one sense, the very power of my reaction was a sign of how deeply my feelings ran for him, and that just churned up my anxiety all the more. I needed to get my head straight, and who better to help me do that than Alistair? His warm, no-nonsense approach is what I needed. I listened to his words, but although they made sense on the outside, the idea of me putting my needs on a level with his didn’t sit well with me. How do I voice that? How do I unravel that tangled web of emotion and motivation? I sighed deeply, hugging him tighter, feeling myself become more vulnerable, his love and concern totally disarming me, when the door suddenly opened, and there was Jack. Oh fuck… I stiffened suddenly, panic and fear roiling in me. Jack can’t see me like this. The discomfort and anxiety in his voice threatens to rip my heart to shreds in my vulnerable state. I’m only moments away from breaking down completely. I can’t though… not around Jack. The idea of breaking down in front of my boy sends a wave of panic through me like a lighting bolt. I’m starting to tremble in Alistair’s embrace, as he asks Jack to leave and come back later. Several long moments pass as the door closes, and Jack leaves. I hold onto Alistair like an anchor, as I battle my panic, fear, and churning emotions with every ounce of discipline. Finally, I relax a bit, and release Alistair sitting down in the chair. I put my head in my hands, and rub my hand through my beard and hair, I look up towards Alistair. I’ve managed to regain control, thinking furiously what to say. “Alistair… I.. Seeing Jack thrive will be all that I need. After Trent… I … “ I what? I couldn’t let myself get that close to someone again? “Losing Trent nearly broke me. Jack doesn’t need my dick… he needs my support and my encouragement. And that is what he’ll get.”

12:26 Alistair_Coleman: Jack leaves as swiftly as he arrives, but his accidental interruption gives me all I need to know about how badly this is affecting Jeff. He immediately starts letting all of the emotion out, and I hold him even tighter. I'm going to kill Zane for leaving the door open, inconsiderate little prick. Jack closed the door properly behind him, and now I put all of my attention onto Jeff. I block out the world and hone in on my friend, who I've only ever seen so broken once before.. I kneel before him as he sits in the chair and listen to his words. Again, he's putting Jack's success before his own feelings, like they don't even matter.. I don't know where down the line Jeff developed this deep and powerful love for the boy, but this has been a long time brewing. I know they've met a few times over the years, but.. Jeff is absolutely enveloped by his love for Jack. I wince at his mention of Trent.. I really liked the guy, and he didn't deserve what happened to him. Not by a long shot.. I can't imagine how it feels losing somebody you love that way. The person I loved and lost died from illness.. it was expected, and we had time to prepare. That doesn't make it easier, but the sudden disappearance and known torture of Trent must have absolutely ripped Jeff to shreds. I saw the death coming.. Jeff didn't. I don't know how far to push this, Jeff knows his own mind and he doesn't need lecturing. "Ok, Jeff.. just.." I don't even know what to say. If he watched Jack thrive into a great agent like we know he will, then he will work with Jeff. Jeff will be forced to see the man he loves every day, and never act upon it. He'll see him get hurt, he may see him get so hurt he's on the brink of death.. Jeff is in for a rough ride, and I don't envy him in the slightest. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I can't imagine how you're feeling.. just take it slow, only come when you feel able to do so, but understand that you're going to see Jack in pretty poor condition. He's beaten and bruised today, and he'll only be worse the next time you come. He'll be broken inside and out, and that's not going to be an image you can stomach easily.. if and when you decide to come back up here, you need to fully understand what you're in for.. and.. when he qualifies, which we know he will.. well.." I take a breath. "God speed to you.."

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: The silence stretches before us, as Alistair struggles to make sense out of my situation. Finally, Alistair manages to break the silence, not giving me any advice or further judgements, just his sympathy and a warning. I need to be heading back now, and Alistair knows that. I stand up, my emotions still raging, but controlled now, my legendary self-discipline back in the driver’s seat, my moment of vulnerability passing. I sigh, and smile half-sad at Alistair. “Life is hard, my friend, and there are no shortcuts. I know how brutal the training is, I know what it does to a man. We went through it together, remember? I can manage it. For Jack’s sake, I can. And for yours. Thank you for everything, Alistair. I’ll be back for a checkup in a few weeks time. Until then.” I pull my best friend into a warm, long, lingering embrace, appreciating his physical and mental strength. Then I let him go, turn, and leave. It was a long drive back to Toronto.

===December 23rd, 2016 20:00===

12:26 Jack_Young: Being back in my apartment has been a much-needed respite from all the chaos at the academy. I got back late last night, feeling sore all over and looking even worse than I felt. It’s absolutely brutal, I get my ass kicked every single day but I’m able to give it back better than I did at the start. Alistair says I’m improving, so I guess I have something to celebrate this Christmas. I’m still in the programme, although we’ve already lost one recruit. Rob Lake thought it would be a good idea to square up to Alistair after being told he was not as good a fighter as he thought he was. He soon got thrown out and climbed into a cab with his tail between his legs. I don’t want to think about the academy any more.. I have just over a week at home and I’m going to try and enjoy it. I crashed out at about 1am and didn’t wake up until after midday.. I caught up on a lot of lost sleep. I woke up to a familiar noise, a little scratching at my front door. It was my little friend, Bert. A cat that lives in the building that has taken a liking to me. I have no idea what his real name is, but to me he is Bert. We sleep together, eat together and play together.. He’s awesome, and he loves me. It’s worth dealing with the allergies for a snuggle from Bert. He’s now curled up on my lap as I play video games, becoming increasingly aware that tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I still haven’t heard from anybody in my family. I’ve spent the last couple of Christmases alone, so I’m not expecting any miracles.. But maybe.. Maybe this year somebody will message me. Maybe..

===December 25th, 2016 11:00===

12:26 Jack_Young: Alone again, but that’s okay. I’m used to it by now.. Damn that’s depressing. No messages, no phonecalls.. Just a normal day in Toronto for Jack Young. I don’t understand why I’m so desperate to be involved with a family I can’t stand. I hate them all, and I hate being in their company.. So why would I rather be with them right now than on my own? Either way I’m miserable.. Everything is so much more depressing when you’re alone on Christmas Day. I haven’t bothered even trying to get into the festive spirit. I’ll just drink and get through the day, trying not to imagine the Young family having a wonderful day just a few minutes away. As I start to do exactly that, Bert saunters in after going outside to do his business. “Merry Christmas, Bert!” I click at him with my tongue and he jumps onto the kitchen counter. I give him some love and fuss, getting him behind the ears which sends him to heaven. His purr is so relaxing, I can feel it vibrate across my hand. “I got you something..” I open the cupboard and pull out a wrapped present.. I guess I did get a little bit festive. I hand it to him and laugh as he sniffs it, looking puzzled. I peel back the wrapping to show him some fishy treats. He has another sniff, then jumps off the counter and walks away. “Fuck you too, Bert..” I laugh, at least getting some joy on this crappy Christmas day. Jesus.. I’m a 22-year-old crazy cat man. I check my phone again, stupidly expecting some sort of message from.. Somebody.. Anybody.. But no. The hours tick by, and the alcohol comes thick and fast. I drink myself into a state of bliss, like nothing can affect me.. I feel happy, fulfilled and inspired.. Merry Christmas, Toronto. Merry Christmas everyone!

Published: 2021-07-18, viewed 36 times.