Agents Universe

Read this first: THE TORONTO INCIDENT (https://mars.chatfighters.com/book/215)

====5 DAYS AFTER THE TORONTO INCIDENT====

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I am consumed by pain, all over my body. My broken ribs scream at me with every breath, my bandaged fingers throb in their cloth and my guts burn and ache without let up. I’ve been living at Jeff’s for 5 days now, cared for by him in every way possible. He changes my dressings, helps me to walk, puts me to bed.. I remember vividly the moment Jeff came in to rescue me. Through the pain, fear and humiliation, he burst in and fought for me, getting hurt in the process. The guilt of his pain was another, internal wound to add to my injuries. I’m more than thankful for him. Since I first met him, I’ve been enveloped in this feeling. More than a crush, this ocean ran deeper. I feel safe and comforted whenever he is around, I crave for him to hold me when I’m spiralling in my pit, and I care for him more than I have ever cared for a person.. It’s love. I understand it now. I’ve never thought myself worthy of love, and I certainly never expect it to be returned to me.. But here I am, in love with my boss. In love with his every action and word. As real as the pain that curses my body, I love him.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: It had been the right decision to have Jack move in with me. The absolute right decision. I continually told myself that it was in no way selfish, in no way to do with how much I was in love with him and needed to know he was safe. It was simply the right thing to do for the CSIS. He had such talent as an agent, and we needed the talent. He needed this care, this safe space to recover. I was on leave as well after the incident, and I was best placed to provide that care. It was all perfectly logical. I looked in on him once, in the middle of the night, seeing him still wrapped in bandages, with fresh dressings that I had lovingly applied just before he managed to try and sleep. I smiled at him. Oh Trent, you would be proud of him. I promise you Trent, I will give him every opportunity to achieve his potential. Every single one. I cannot love him as I loved you, but I will channel that love in other ways. I promise. I gazed into his bandaged face, a dressing covering the chunk of beard that bastard Derek had ripped off, and I swallowed. He was so beautiful. I’m going to have to make a visit to headquarters tomorrow. More interviews. More meetings. I’ll leave him alone for a few hours, and … I swallowed … his mother and family will visit him. I would never say this out loud, but privately, I viewed them as nothing but a pack of vultures. Yet they were family. I couldn’t interfere. I sighed, and turned away from my beautiful, wounded, hurting boy.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I sit alone in Jeff’s guest room.. My room? sitting in a comfy chair as I stare out at the back garden. The sun is shining, sifting through the window and warming my face. I’m alone in the house as Jeff had to go into headquarters for a few hours, probably to deal with more inquisitions about… my “incident”. He didn’t tell me much about what was said, probably to protect my feelings. I know my name is absolute poison right now within the walls of the CSIS. The new agent who tried to take on Derek Steel by himself but ending up getting captured, tortured and broken, letting him into our system to wreak havoc. The sun may shine on my face, but inside I am cold, and tears well in my eyes each time I think about it. I’ve been an emotional wreck since the day it happened, spilling my guts out to Jeff every night. Suddenly my phone rings, I groan in pain as I reach forward to grab it, my ribs and gut flaring up in protest. “Oh, fuck..” I’m not prepared for this. 5 days after the “incident” and this is the first time she calls. “...Hi,”

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: What an absolute nightmare, a real shit show. $30 million dollars completely wiped from our account, most of our Syndicate intel plucked from our grasp, and 26 undercover agents exposed. The only thing worse? Being the mother of the agent responsible. Jack, my one failure. A family of successful and powerful CSIS employees, who live and breathe our homeland security as well as despising the Syndicate organisation, wasted on him. He’s never been a part of this family, but he is my son. And when the alarm went off to say his credentials were used to create this thunderstorm of trouble, all eyes were on me. First week on the job and he already fails, I could have bet money on it. I don’t want to see him, but I must. Call it maternal instinct or being a pissed off boss, I’m here on both accounts. I pull up outside Jeff Rogers’ house and call Jack. “Jack, I’m here. Coming in. Where are you?”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Oh fuck, she’s here. My mother is fucking here. I’m not mentally prepared for this. “I’m upstairs, turn right. You’ll see me,” and then I hear the front door open. Fantastic, just what I needed to improve my day. Her stilettos click against the hard floor as she approaches me, turning soft as they reach the carpet of the landing at the top of the stairs. But wait.. There are more footsteps, not in stilettos… FUCK. NO. NOT THEM.

12:26 Agent_Michael_Young: “Jacky boy!” I almost sing as I approach him, admiring Agent Roger’s house as we walk through. I stand behind the piece-of-shit Jack and reach over the chair, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him aggressively. “How are you, squirt?” Philip laughs behind me. God we hate this kid.

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: I step around to face Jack, stepping between him and the window. The sun casts my shadow over his face. God, he looks rough. He still has dry blood in places, bandages to his jaw, his left hand in a bandage and right arm in a cast. He has bruises and cuts all over his face. My heart should bleed seeing my youngest son like this, It doesn’t. “What the hell were you thinking?”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: My fucking brothers. Kill me now. “ARRGHHH!” I cry out as one of them grabs and shakes me, my ribs flaring up like they’re being broken again. “Fucking asshole!” I slap his hand away, and then my mother towers over me. Her brown hair sits in a loose bob, gently shaping her otherwise sharp face. She wears her formal suit, a navy blazer over a button up shirt with a matching navy skirt to her knees. Don’t cry. Don’t give them the satisfaction. And then she speaks, her first words to me since finding out I was beaten, broken and hospitalised. They were not words of sympathy, nor even of concern. Instead they were the same hate-tinged words I’d been saying to myself every 5 seconds since it happened. “I don’t know, mom.. Peterson told me Steel wasn’t expec--”

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: “Peterson played you like a fucking flute!” I cut him off, despising his words. I kneel in front of him, the sun now blinding him again. “Do you have any idea, any idea at all, how many breaches of conduct you committed that day?”

12:26 Agent_Philip_Young: “More than we have in our years of being there..” I mutter, looking down at Jack. God, he’s pathetic. I always knew he was in way over his head, but Dad insisted he was ‘fine agent material’. I loved dad, but he was wrong in this instance. Jack was soft. He always did volunteer work and was friendly with strangers. Pathetic, weak boy stuff. And here he was playing ‘badass government agent’, landing flat on his ass in his first week. Fucking up the entire agency, too. He’s no Young.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I try to shift uncomfortably in my seat, but it’s too painful. I nod slowly, still holding off the tears with every fiber of my being. “A lot”

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: “Congratulations, Jack. That’s the first thing you got right all week,” I stand, not wanting to look at his face. I pace as I speak, now finding it difficult to stay still because of how irritated I am. “Let’s recap. You failed to ensure the safety of two patrol cops under your instruction, you failed to process a defective Syndicate agent appropriately, you lied to your boss and went chasing after one of the most dangerous mercenaries this agency has ever encountered, you lost the fight against said mercenary, you got tortured by said mercenary, you broke under that torture and gave him ACCESS TO OUR SYSTEM, then shack up with your boss so that he can lick your wounds for you. Have I missed anything?” I cross my arms and rest against the wall now, watching him squirm. “Why the hell did you break, Jack? You’re trained for torture. And I don’t to hear any of this ‘torture victims can’t be blamed’ crap, Philip survived it! All you had to do was hold on for a few hours, we’d have noticed you didn’t check in in the morning and somebody would have gotten to you. But no, you broke. And we’ve had to scramble to get 26 undercover agents out of their bases QUICKLY before they end up in the same situation as you. We can not guarantee their safety. It is very likely that you’ve killed people, Jack. Or subjected them to torture. Or both.”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: The list begins, and it gets longer and longer. I don’t look at her, I just stare out the window. It’s so beautiful outside, but so ugly in here. Not just in this room.. Inside me. There is a darkness inside me I didn’t even know existed until now, consuming me with each passing second. It is loud and ugly, controlling my every thought. She stops, letting it all sink in. It already has, mom. You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already told myself. Then she starts again, asking why I broke under torture, saying Philip survived it. Philip survived a bad beating, not torture, but of course she treats it like he was waterboarded for eight hours. These two get a tiny scratch and they’re pulled out of work to recover. The words cut like a knife, my mother is seriously suggesting I should have gotten tortured for a few more hours? Then the undercover agents creep back into the conversation and I instantly want to die. I cannot deal with the guilt of putting them at risk. The tears start filling my eyes now, this is all too much.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I swallow hard, my throat dry as bone. “I broke because of what he did to me. He beat the living shit out of me, destroyed my bones and guts, electrocuted me, rubbed salt and fucking lye into me, then kept beating me. Wh-what the fuck else was I supposed to do? Grin and bear it? Mom, it was.. There are no fucking words to describe it,” I bite my lip, feeling myself getting angrier and then I’ll explode and make a fool of myself.

12:26: Agent_Michael_Young: “Then why did you put yourself in that situation?” I snap, having to intervene at this point. He’s really starting to piss me off now. “Why chase down Derek fucking Steel when you have absolutely no skills or experience to deal with him? You were reckless, Jack..”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: “I was told that he wasn’t expecting me..” I speak slowly and softly, trying to calm myself. When I get tense and angry, everything hurts more.

12:26 Agent_Philip_Young: “You were told by a Syndicate agent, Jack. You should have known better..” I cross my arms as I stare down at him.

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: “You won’t be coming back. Rogers is fighting your case, but I’ll see to it personally that he won’t succeed. He sees something in you, God knows what. But he’s wrong.. And so was your father” I look away, quickly blinking away the wave of emotion that just came over me. “I can not officially be a part of any meeting as you are my son, but I will make sure my voice is heard. Where’s the bathroom?”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I listen to her words but say nothing, staring out in the garden again. A rabbit runs across the lawn, twitching his ears and nose as he sniffs a purple flower blooming in the sun. “End of the corridor behind me, on the left.” I say, my voice quiet and broken. She leaves, disappearing down the corridor.

12:26 Agent_Michael_Young: Mother leaves and I look at Philip, giving him a small nod. “Jack, we wanted to share a message. From the CSIS, and more importantly the 26 agents you’ve fucked over..” Philip stands behind the chair and takes hold of Jack’s arms, holding him by the elbows. As soon as Jack starts to shriek and squirm I throw my palm over his mouth, muffling his sounds. Then, I clench my other fist and punch him hard in the gut he claims Derek destroyed. I punch him again in quick succession, then again and again. I’m going for 26, one for each agent our shithead little brother has soiled our family’s name in the process of fucking them over. I get to about 12 before the door to the bathroom unlocks, then release Jack. “Shut up,” I command him, stepping back.

12:26: Agent_Jack_Young: Michael starts speaking to me but I barely take in his words, until he says about the 26 agents. “What--?” I question just as Philip grabs my arms from behind. OH FUCK NO! “FUU--nnnfffff!!” I cry out as Michael’s hand covers my mouth and he pounds me in the gut. It fucking hurts like nothing else has before, the brutal ache the felt before tripling with each blow. They’re so sensitive right now it’s unreal, and this is absolute torture again. I scream and grunt into my brother’s hand, losing count of how many times he’s hit me as pain continues to flood my body. The bathroom door unlocks and they both release me, letting my pained groans escape into the room. Typical. They always used to beat me up when mom and dad weren’t around, and always acted innocent to get away with it.

12:26: Director_Shona_Young: I exit the bathroom to the sound of Jack’s pain. I feel no pity. He shouldn’t have got himself into that situation if he didn’t want to deal with the pain that comes after it. “Jack, you need to move back to your apartment as soon as you’re able. Agent Rogers has done enough and he doesn’t need a child to care for on top of his job. Allez les fils.” I say to Michael and Philip, slipping into our French as I so often did with my family. I take off down the stairs, out the door and into the car, leaving Jack behind. I don’t want to look at him any more.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I groan loudly as my brothers pretend nothing happened, and mother comes back with her final twopence of the day. I breathe heavily through the pain, gasping for air as I do. As my mom walks down the stairs I call sarcastically to her in response: “Au revoir, maman. Merci d’être venue!” I hate speaking French, despite it being my first language for eight years of my life growing up in the French-Canadian countryside, simply because it reminded me of my childhood. And what a miserable time that was. The door slams behind them and I flinch at it, left alone again with a sinking feeling twisting in my now-sore-again guts.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: The afternoon sun trickles over me as I stare numbly into the garden, left only with the horrible thoughts and soul-destroying guilt of everything that has happened. I’m miserable, and have never felt so low. My family fucking despise me, but I despise them too. Dad was the only one I could relate to. He wouldn’t be happy with me for what I did, but he’d certainly be more supportive than them. Tears fall silently down my cheeks as I lose myself in a train of thought, closing my eyes and crying as I sleep.

=====LATER THAT DAY=====

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: What a fucking day. I’d spent nearly three hours in a meeting with the directors. And every single fucking one of them was bound and determined to see Jack “permanently classified as unfit for duty.” The one that argued the hardest and loudest was David Rothwell. And everyone knew that David was Shona’s lapdog. I couldn’t believe it. Jack’s own mother was doing everything in her power to kick her own son out of the CSIS. But, the only way they could kick Jack out was if I went along with it. And I refused. They issued veiled threats, they hinted at bribes if I went along with them, they tried to tell me how much it would damage the CSIS’s reputation if he stayed on, how bad it would be for morale, they tried everything. But my defense was simple. Regulations were on my side. The victims of torture were not held responsible in ANY WAY for the consequences. I threatened them back, telling them that I would go public with the whole affair if they dared try to bully me or threaten Jack. I’d take them to court. Finally, after a long gruelling three hours, they had backed down.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: But I was home now, Jack needed dinner, I needed a break from the directors, and most of all… Jack would need me after dealing with his family. I sighed. I made him a meal, simple, nutritious. I loved to cook, I always had, but cooking for Jack was a rare treat. To cook for someone you love… that was a gift. I always went above and beyond when I made Jack’s meals. It was therapeutic in a way, it was a small way of showing how much I loved him, a way of expressing my love that was proper. I may not ever be able to love Jack in … that way, but I would show it in every other way possible. I carried the tray up to his room, and gently put it on the bedside. I knelt down beside Jack, and put my hand on his shoulder, whispering, “Jack… Jack… dinnertime.” I stand in front of the harsh sun, as Jack wakes up, then screams in pain. I jump forward, and touch him, stroke him, soothe him, “It’s okay Jack, you are all right. I’m here.”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I rouse from my nap to the sound of a gentle voice and soothing hand on my shoulder. I open my eyes slowly, blinded immediately by the low evening sun. I wince and close my eyes again, but suddenly the sun disappears. I open my eyes again and Jeff is shielding me from the harsh light with his hand. I blink a few times and yawn, turning it into a stretch as I wake up gently. Suddenly a sharp pain flashes across my chest and stomach. “ARRGGHH FUCK!” I shriek, my gentle awakening turning into pain and frustration. I’m so sick of feeling like this, physically and emotionally. Jeff immediately jumps to my aid, holding my body gently and soothing me. He’s so perfect, and has helped me in ways that are so far beyond what I deserve. I lay back into the chair as the pain starts to pass, groaning as I do. I notice my hand has ended up resting on top of his and it feels incredible. My skin touching his.. It’s magical.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: Once he calms down, I hand him the tray, then sit down next to him. A warm smile on my face, as we both eat our meal together.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: When the pain has passed he presents me with food, home cooked by him. I turn red, as much as I appreciate this I also hate this. “Oh, sir.. Thank you.. So much. You.. this.. I’m so sorry, I..” I get flustered as I try and find the words. This is all too much, Jeff shouldn’t be cooking for me. I can’t just invade his life like this. “I’m so, so grateful for this..” he sits in the chair next to me with his dinner and eats with me. I feel so safe and content in his company. I ask about his day at work, although I’m certain he will avoid some details, possibly to spare my feelings. The dinner is beautiful, Jeff is a great cook and when I make a silent promise to myself that when I’m feeling better I will return this favour, among others. I’m a decent cook, too, and I can’t wait to show my gratitude to Jeff.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I can’t help smiling as Jack thanks me for his meal. I love to see him happy, even in small ways like this. He asks me about my day, and I shrug it off, “Just office stuff, no big deal. Paperwork never seems to end.” I smile at him, chuckling. No way in hell would I tell him what I really did. But the important thing here is how Jack’s day was. I know his “family” visited him today. I finish my food, and push my plate away, turning to Jack, I put my hand on his shoulder. “Tell me Jack, how was your day?”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I stiffen as he asks the words, not sure how much I want to say or even whether I feel able to. I’ve never opened to anybody about.. Anything really. I’ve never had anyone to do it with, and surely nobody is interested in my sad, pathetic life. “Um..” I pause, but I can’t lie to Jeff. I owe him so much more respect than that. “It was.. Okay..” I shift painfully. “Look, sir.. I just want you to know that as soon as I’m able to.. Do anything without any help, I promise I’ll be out of your hair, back in my own place. I really hate putting you out like this” My mothers words echo in my mind, but they aren’t words I haven’t already told myself.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I can tell as soon as I ask the question, that it was far, far from okay. I turned, to look out the window, and sighed. Then, I turned back to Jack. Suddenly, as a stray sunbeam played across his face, I was stricken again by how handsome he was. And how he was so much like his father. Then, I listened to him explain how he plans to move back into his own place. Then, I realize, it’s time for some decisive action. “Was your mother after you to move back in with her again?” I’d heard the rumours, I have my sources in the CSIS, friends that keep me informed. Then, my eyes get just a bit hard, though my touch remains gentle. I speak up again, my voice a bit hard as well. “Bullshit. There are more kinds of injury and hurt than just to your body, boy.” FUCK.. why the hell did I just call him boy? Jeff, keep it professional. “I’m your boss. And it’s my professional opinion that I need to keep you here with me, under my observation, to ensure that both your physical and mental recovery is handled appropriately. With all due respect, Jack. Your mother is not up to the task. She lacks…. Certain necessary qualities.” Like compassion. Humanity. A fucking heart. “So, I think, I’m going to have to insist that you stay with me a bit longer. You are too talented, with too much potential for me to take a risk and possibly endanger your recovery.”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Jeff says his piece about the situation and I shudder at the word “boy”, I almost kind of like it. It makes me feel safe and protected. I almost laugh, producing just a slight chuckle before regretting it because of the pain it causes. My mother? Look after me? What a thought.. “No, back to my apartment. Thank you, sir.. So much, for just.. Everything. I promise when I’ve recovered, I’ll go back.. But.. thank you” I look down at my empty plate. God what I’d do to do the dishes for Jeff, to not be doted on and treated like such a useless fucking patient. He cooks, cleans up.. Does everything. I love him so much for doing it, but.. It’s so unfair of me to do this to him.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I start to clean up the dishes, even simple things like doing the dishes, knowing that it’s helping Jack, feels so good. I listen to Jack, and my hand brushes his as I reach for his plate. It sends a little thrill of electricity up my arm. And again, for what feels like the thousandth time, the urge to kiss him surges through me. This was … so hellish, constantly being in the presence of a man I loved, but couldn’t have. Not that way. And yet, it was all worth it, all that pain, was worth it to see Jack heal and recover, to see him grow into the man that I knew he could be. That was where I had to channel my love. I stand up, then reply as I turn to leave, “You will leave here, Jack, when I am satisfied that you have made a full and complete physical, mental, and emotional recovery, and not a minute before. That, boy, you can consider as a direct order from your boss.” There it was AGAIN. Fuck, Jeff, what is wrong with you? He’s a man, not a boy. Then, to cover my slip, I continue quickly. “I’ll just finish the dishes, then I’ll be back up shortly to change your dressings and give you your medicine.” I give him a warm smile, God, his eyes are so beautiful. I could lose myself in them. Easily. Then, I head downstairs.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Jeff reaches over to take my plate and his skin gently brushes against mine. Oh dear God it's heaven, I love the moments where I feel him against me. Changing my bandages is a painful process, but damn does it feel amazing to have his hands on me. And when he applies the ointment to my abs and chest where Derek electrocuted and whipped me.. painful, beautiful heaven. Jeff commands that I will stay with him until he says so, with such determination in his voice that I know he truly means it. He calls me "boy" again and the shiver travels along my spine.. why do I love that? He disappears downstairs after promising to return for my dressings.. I'm filled with a mixture of dread and lust. Lust to be close to him, a burning desire to kiss him and be held by him, but dread for the pain it brings. I refuse to be the useless patient, and as he's downstairs and try and do my part to help. With my one good hand I grab the collar of my shirt and sit forward, groaning in pain as my ribs flare up. Oh fuck, every fucking time. I pull the shirt and bring it over my head slightly, the bottom hem clinging to my chest. I have small patches of gauze and tape to either chest, covering the British bastard's fucking initials carved into me. It takes me so long to even get to this point that by the time Jeff returns to me, I'm stuck in a painful position with my t-shirt half on and stuck over my head, groaning as I try and pull it off completely. All I wanted was to take one job away from Jeff, and I've embarrassed myself doing that.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I humm to myself as I finish the washing up, then head over to the cabinet and take out Jack’s fresh bandages, ointments, and painkillers. I collect all the supplies, and head back up the stairs. This is strangely, one of my favorite chores of the day. It’s caring for Jack in a way that is direct, tangible, and physical. It gets me close to him. And in some ways… it’s also my least favorite chore. Because it means I have to be close to a man I love in a way that I can never have. But I can endure it. For Jack, I can endure anything. I open the door to Jack’s room, and my eyes go wide. OH Jack… I fight not to laugh, I refuse to laugh, but the sight is so comical. I rush to Jack’s side, put down my tray of supplies and gently reach out towards Jack. His chest is covered in bandages and gauze from the carved initials of that sadistic mother fucker Derek Steel, and tape around his healing ribs. I speak gently, “Just stay still Jack. I’m here…” I carefully work Jack’s shirt off him the rest of the way, then reach down and pull off the old gauze and tape covering up the healing wound on his chest. I examine it carefully, the wound was healing nicely, the stitches would soon be absorbed. I rub some cool cream on his chest, the contact with his lean, taut body sending shivers of delight up my arm as it always does. I treasure every moment with him. Then, as I spread the cream and replace it with fresh gauze, I check his abs, to see how the bruising and contusions are doing. Finally, I carefully pull the gauze and tape free from his face, where that mother fucker had ripped a chunk of his beard out. I put more cream on the wound, and replaced the gauze. I looked down at his forearm and fingers, but they were well taped up and still in a cast. Good. Then, I gently put my hand under Jack’s chin, and point him up to look at me. He always tries to downplay how much pain he is in, and I’ve found if I’m staring into his eyes, he can’t hide it from me. “And how is the pain today, Jack? Is today a morphine day? Or is it a codeine?”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Jeff enters the room and I feel so embarrassed. Such a simple thing like taking off a fucking shirt and I can't even do that. He reassures me and helps me get it off the rest of the way, exposing my battered body. I close my eyes as he peels off the tape, biting my lip as it pulls on my skin. I also don't want to see those fucking initials. They don't exist as far as I'm concerned. Then, he applies the cream.. and it hurts as much as it feels like paradise, his finger tracing my skin. The beard is what I'm most conscious about, the doctor says he has no idea how well it will grow back, if at all. But it's too soon to tell, the wound needs to heal a bit more first. He takes my chin in his fingers and holds my gaze.. I could get lost in that gorgeous face for hours. I contemplate.. I hate what the morphine does to me, but it takes away my pain completely. "It's... Bad, but.. I want to move away from the morphine. See how the codeine goes.." I need to try. Morphine is never a permanent solution, I have to move on from it. Even it means a painful night.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I listen carefully to Jack, but today, he is honest with me. He doesn’t try to tell me that the pain isn’t bad, but he also chooses the codeine over the morphine. I nod. Suddenly, I feel a wave of rage boiling in me, Derek Steel. That fucking bastard… It hurts, hurts so bad to hear Jack tell me how much in pain he is in. I swear, one of these days he will learn the hard way what a mistake it was to hurt my boy. DAMN… even in my thoughts… I keep thinking of Jack as “boy”. He’s not a boy. He’s a man, a damn fine man. I just … I just want him to be safe, to be happy, to achieve his full potential. But… there is no safety in our job, and that is an idle wish. But… happy… achieving his full potential, I can do everything in my power to nurture my boy towards those goals. Everything. I hold out the pills and the cup. I know it’s hard for him to hold a cup with one arm in a cast, and the fingers of his other hand in a splint, so I hold it for him as Jack takes the pills, gently lifting the cup so he can easily get a drink of water to wash the painkillers down. Then, I put the cup aside, and smile warmly at him. The sun had set, and night was falling. “Okay Jack, time to try to get a bit more sleep. I’ll be working just next door if you need anything.” We both knew what that meant… if the nightmares came back… we both knew that Derek Steel had raped my beautiful boy. Someday… I would rip his cock out for hurting my boy… Someday. And I knew that Jack couldn’t talk about it, but it still hurt him in deep ways. I wouldn’t force it, but I knew in the night… it came back. And I would be ready when it did.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Jeff plays the role of my kind-hearted nurse perfectly, I've never done anything in my life to deserve such treatment. He helps me with my pills, and there's no turning back. The codeine is in my system now, and it's nowhere near strong enough to take this pain away. But the morphine is brutal on my body, giving me vertigo and confusing me. I once dreamed that Derek threw me in a pit of snakes, and they writhed over me, pushing me down and down into their dark abyss. Inside that pit was a man without a face, hurting me and killing me but my screams were masked by the snakes above. Nobody could hear me, nobody could save me.. it was dreams like that that made me fear the morphine. It warps everything.. and I cried to hard waking up from that nightmare. The codeine will have to do, but I can't help but feel a stab of regret knowing I've chosen pain over comfort. It makes me feel like a coward. "Thank you, sir.. so much," and then I settle down for a sleep. I try desperately to find peace, the will to drift off.. but the pain keeps me awake for ages. The morphine would have worked by now.. did I make the right decision? Eventually I manage to drift off by focusing on the things I like. Music.. the fall.. Jeff.. they keep me focused, keep me.. peaceful. Then I enter my dreams once more. It's not warped this time, there's no monsters or strange men.. but there's a man.. screaming. I run towards him, but every time I run, the origin of its sound changes, and I'm forever running. I need to help, this man is suffering and I need to reach him. Every corridor becomes a dead end, every door is locked. Eventually he stops screaming, and the next door I try is unlocked. I step into the room and there's a corpse on the floor, covered in blood.. I roll him onto his back, and.. oh my god.. NO! IT'S-- the door slams behind me, locking me in the room with-- I bolt awake, sweat pouring down my body, my breathing rapid. FUCK! Everywhere hurts, I jolted too fast... But... Fuck.. I HATE THIS.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I was working at my desk, in my home office next door, shuffling through papers. I shoved them aside, and massaged my temples for a moment. It was a major headache. This was the tenth funding proposal I had written in the last four days. I was technically supposed to be on leave, but that was a joke. The entire CSIS was tottering on the verge of collapse, we had a 30 million dollar hole in our bank account, and we had to beg on our hands and knees in front of the Parliamentary Intelligence steering committee for enough funding to keep the lights on. Myself, and all the other senior staff would need to agree to an emergency pay cut in order to make ends meet. The Toronto Incident was giving all of us headaches, and I was getting all the heat from everyone else in the CSIS for shielding Jack. But they could each and every single one of them go fuck themselves. They knew as well as I did that Jack was not to blame. They only sought a scapegoat; but they would not find one here. Then, suddenly, I heard a gasp and loud noise, a cry of pain. In a flash, I was on my feet, my hard, hairy muscles, well trained and trim, carrying me rapidly into Jack’s room. He was sitting up in bed, covered in sweat, breathing heavily. Fuck. It was another nightmare. I rushed to his bedside, sat beside him, and gently lowered him back down, “Shhhhh… Jack, it’s okay, it was just a bad dream. I’m here… I’m here now. Everything is okay.”

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I take a cloth from the bedside table and tenderly dry off the worst of the sweat. Then, I stroke his hair. Not because I needed, wanted to touch him. No. But because he needed human contact, he needed warmth and a tender touch. This was what Jack needed, not what I wanted. If I kept telling myself that, I would eventually start to believe it. “Do you want to talk about it Jack?”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: My face is hot and clammy from the nightmare, pain surging through my ribs from my quick movement. Within a matter of seconds, Jeff is here. I feel terrible, I HATE making him do this, but I'm so fucking scared right now, still coming down from that awful dream. He wipes away some of the sweat and soothes me. My heart is racing and I'm panting from the exertion. I open my mouth to speak but it comes out in stutters, fuck it feels like I'm being electrocuted. "I-I-I-I couldn't help him, I c-c-couldn't g-get there f-fast enough. He was in so much pain, I tried.. I tried.." I hold on to Jeff, I know it was a dream but the dream and adrenaline is still fresh in my mind. "I tried, I'm sorry.. I--" tears start falling, partly because of the humiliation. Slowly my mind starts to reshape, back to normality. "I.. fucking hate this. I'm so sick of these fucking dreams"

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I sigh deeply as Jack stutters, a sign of his deep distress and angst. Oh Jack, you will heal, I know you will. The PTSD is only natural as a result of the savage physical and psychological trauma suffered at the hands of the psychopath, Derek Steel. The recovery will be long and hard, but it will happen. IT WILL. I speak up then, “There is nothing to apologize about, Jack. This is to be expected after what you went through. And as you can see, I’m fine. I’m here. You are safe.” I know instinctively that he is feeling the guilt of not being able to help me when Steel was fucking me up back in that train yard. My own wounds still ached, but they were nothing I couldn’t handle. But Jack’s wounds, the wounds to his generous, loving heart, were so much harder for me to bear. I made a decision. It was right. It was what Jack needed. Not what I needed, what Jack needed. I slowly turned Jack over to his side, then laid down next to him. I stayed in my clothes, so that everything would be perfectly proper. I told him in a matter of fact voice, “Tonight, Jack, I am going to sleep right here, with my arms around you. Victims of PTSD need human contact, especially in the first and second weeks after the trauma.” I put my arms around Jack’s lean, young, well-muscled athletic body, and snuggled tightly to him. I kept repeating to myself, this is what Jack needs. It is part of his recovery process. It is what he needs. It is what he needs. My dick threatened to become erect, but with an extreme exertion of self control, I kept it from hardening completely. It was a semi, but I hoped, through my jeans, I prayed, that Jack would not feel the difference as I spooned him deeply into my chest, wrapping my arms around him to give him the comfort and human contact he needed to keep the nightmares away.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Somehow, through my terror, racing mind, pounding heart and quickened breathing.. Jeff soothes me. He rests me back and I feel.. safe. Then he says that he's okay.. and I realise he knows exactly what I dreamed of. The emotion I'm feeling right now is the same as when I was tied to that chair and watching Jeff lose the fight. A guilt that felt like a knife in my gut, his pain a result of my actions. I couldn't help him, I could only watch and hear his tormented cries of pain. I've apologised for it a thousand times, but it will never be enough. I hurt Jeff. Not directly, but I caused it. Tears start forming in my eyes again, I can't believe I'm not all cried out. Surely my body has no more tears to cry.. but the guilt, regret and anger towards the whole situation just keeps brewing more. "I'm so sorry.." I whisper as he holds me close, promising to stay with me through the night. I hold on to him so tightly, never wanting to let him go again.. and cry. Every night the emotion builds up in me and I just have to release it in a violent sob. He holds me in his strong, hairy arms and soothes me.. I love him so fucking much. I need him to know that.. but I can't tell him. I never can, and I never will. He's my boss, and will always be 'Sir' to me.. little does he know this just makes me cry harder.

=====21 DAYS AFTER THE INCIDENT=====

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Things have been improving. I'm back on my feet and able to do a little more for myself, but I'm still sore as hell. I walk a short distance before my ribs start throbbing. My beard has grown back quite nicely, although the patch where Derek ripped is slightly thinner than the rest of it, but it's barely noticeable. The only permanent damage is a pain in my stomach that comes every now and then, the result of the battering my guts took. The doctors say the pain will eventually ease, but will frequently come back. It's something I will have to learn to live with. And then of course.. the scars. My burns have healed well and are only slightly discoloured against the rest of my skin, but the initials on my chest.. they're disgustingly apparent. Like a branding by the hottest iron rod, it reminds me that I am his property. One that will be reclaimed, or at least he'll try. Finally, there's the knowledge that he's.. inside of me. That's a really fucking difficult thing to get over.. his seed lives inside my body, his nutrients absorbed in my gut and dispersed across the rest of me. I wish I could have stuck my fingers down my throat and puked him back out.. but he's there forever now. He owns me inside and out. Suddenly I remember to focus, Jeff has me doing some physical rehabilitation today. It's tough as hell, we're taking it slow but I need to fight through the pain. Soon I'll be able to help around the house, to start paying him back for all he's done for me.. but fuck it hurts.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: “No, in my professional opinion, Agent Jack Young is not yet sufficiently recovered to give testimony in front of the Parliamentary Intelligence Steering Committee..” I’m a professional, through and through, you have to be in my job, but even I have my limits. The vultures… the fucking piece of shit vultures circling, waiting for their pound of flesh. Well, they can all go fuck themselves. They can’t have Jack. Then, the Parliamentary aide on the other end continued, and I began to see red. I took a deep breath, then continued, “Yes, I’m well aware that Shona Young believes her son is ready to testify in front of Parliament, but with all due respect, Mr. Travers, Jack Young reports to me, not to his Mother. He will testify when I sign off on his fitness to do so, and not one minute before. Now, if you will excuse me, I am late for my next meeting, good day Mr. Travers.”

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I hang up the phone, nearly crushing the screen as I tap the end call button. That bitch… it was bad enough that everyone else was itching at the bit to turn my Jack into a scapegoat, but his own mother, going behind my back directly to Parliament to undermine my authority? Inexcusable. But they can’t have him. I have the law on my side, and they can all, each one, go fuck themselves with various assorted garden implements. I leaned back in my chair, rubbed my temples, and laughed suddenly at the image of what Shona could do to herself using a garden rake. Shocked at my own thoughts, I quickly, coughed and stood up. I checked my watch, it was time for Jack’s first rehab session. I quickly head downstairs. I have a small home gym set up in the basement, and I’ve carefully gone over the exercises the Physiotherapist recommended. I waved off his offer to walk Jack through the first session. I’ve been through rehab before, and besides that, I know how hard this will be for Jack, not just physically, but emotionally as well. I want to be there for him.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I head down to the basement, where everything is set up for his rehab. Jack is there, waiting for me, and I greet him with a warm smile. I reach out and give his shoulder a friendly squeeze. I look at his bare torso, those hated initials from Derek Steel unavoidable. But today is not about Derek Steel, it’s about Jack and his recovery. Despite those ugly initials, the sight of Jack’s lean muscled torso makes my heart race. Fuck, he is so beautiful. So handsome. So amazing. I want to do so much more, so very much more than just squeeze his shoulder, but I have to keep this professional. “Ready Jack? We’ll get started with some simple leg raises. I know these are going to hurt, but we have to begin by restoring your core strength. Then, we’ll focus on restoring range of motion for your right arm, and grip strength for your left hand. Now, lay down on the mat. I’ll sit next to you and gently use one hand to hold your torso in place, while you raise each leg as high as possible, keeping everything straight. I’ll help you out if you need it. You can do this, boy. I know you can. In no time at all, you’ll be ready to start sparring with me on the workout mats.” I let my expression communicate all the warmth and encouragement I can. Belatedly I realize that once again I called him boy. Jeff, what is wrong with you?? I place my hand down on Jack’s smooth, taut stomach, feeling his warmth through the contact. I know this will be hard, I know he’s likely to have pain in his core for a long time to come, thanks to Derek Steel’s revolting brutality, but he has to start fighting the pain to regain strength. “You can do it Jack, nice and easy now..”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I stand in the gym waiting for Jeff, glancing at myself in the mirror. I decided against wearing a shirt, I've been running hot ever since I happened and always feel on the verge of overheating; another thing Derek fucked up about my body. I didn't need that today, so I decided to wear just som gym shorts t try and keep my body cool. The downside is that I have to see those fucking initials. They're a thin, white line etched into my skin, and you have to really look to see them.. but they're there. And it's fucking humiliating. I'm bandage free now, it's just pain control. The bones have healed, they're just bruised and tender. But today is the day I took my first step towards being my old self.. no, stronger than my old self. I couldn't take pain relief before, it would have made me drowsy and I need to be alert. Fuck, this was going to hurt.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I hear Jeff descend into the basement.. fuck he's so ridiculously hot. He talks me through what we're going to be doing today, and mentions sparring with him on the mat in the future. Fuck.. my body, against his, wrestling together.. oh fuck, that's a goal if ever there was one. That's my motivation. Get through this and I can wrestle with him. For fucks sake, Jack stop treating him like a sex object. He's so much more than that. I lay face up on the mat as instructed and holy shit, even that hurts like hell. How am I meant to do anything else!? Then the palm of his hand rests against my gut and it feels absolutely incredible. Despite it hurting slightly, it's worth the pain to have him touching me. Fuck.. stop. This isn't meant to be erotic, and it certainly isn't for him so just don't embarrass yourself. He's doing this to get me back on my feet, back out as an agent. So I do as he commands, and lift my left leg, keeping it straight. It's not so bad, why was I so-- "FUCK!" then the ab muscles start getting used and it's fucking unbearable. "AARRGGHH!" My whole stomach screams in agony as I lift the leg. But I have to fight through... Keep trying, for Jeff.. for me.. I get it higher and higher, groaning in agony. I nearly get it vertical before I have to put it back down, panting and sweating in pain. "Oooohhh fuck!" I wasn't expecting it to hurt THAT MUCH. But no time to waste, right leg.. LIFT.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I watch, encouragement and support written large on my features, visible in the intensity of my gaze. I winced inwardly as he screamed in pain, but he didn’t falter, didn’t give up, he pushed through it just as I knew he would. He had such grit and determination. He does several raises with his right and left leg. “Perfect Jack, perfect. With that kind of attitude, you’ll be back in fighting shape in no time. That’s enough leg raises, let’s work on your arms now.” I reach down, and gently help Jack sit up, then tenderly give him a boost up to his feet, knowing it still isn’t easy. My hand supports his left elbow, as my other gently cups his tight ass. The contact once again drives me crazy, I want to just hold him, just kiss him… but I can’t have him that way. He needs your support, your encouragement, not your dick, Jeff. FOCUS MAN. With an enormous effort, I focus back on helping Jack to his feet. Then, I reach over and grab a tennis ball. Tenderly, I reach out and grab his left hand, turning it palm up, and placing the tennis ball in his palm. His fingers were all savagely broken when Derek Steel and stomped on them with his boots, and I know this wouldn’t be easy, but this was also necessary. I stared at Jack, almost falling into his beautiful eyes. His beard was growing back, and he looked strikingly handsome. I swallowed, then continued, “Ok Jack, just squeeze the ball for me, that’s it. As hard as you can… That’s all you have to do.”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Jeff's hands explore my body as he helps me to my feet. It makes it worth the pain, to be held so closely by him.. it's an absolute dream. I'm obsessed with every part of his body, and to have it touch me means the absolute world. He turn my hand over and places the ball in my palm. Oh.. fuck. These fingers hurt when I grab stuff, let alone squeeze stuff. I close my eyes, wincing before the pain has even begun. "Fuck fuck fuck.." but I do as I am told and start squeezing the ball. A flash of pain spreads across my fingers and palm, the bones are still so bruised. "AGH! FUCK, no no no--" I release my grip, but Jeff's eyes are filled only with support and encouragement.. He's tried so hard to get me to this point, caring for me.. holding me.. besides, doing this will get me one step closer to wrestling with him. Oh fuck.. I squeeze again, roaring through the pain as I start to crush the ball. "Aaghh! Oh fuck, mmhmmm!" I clench my first fiercely, making a dent in the side of the ball. Then I relax it, and squeeze again, repeating the process a few times until I get into a rhythm. The pain doesn't go but I learn to tolerate it, I learn not to tear it. It lingers in my face but I now only grunt with each clench, the screaming has gone. It feels amazing in a way, to do something with my body.. to push it past it's wall. "Thank you, sir.." I didn't realise I'd even said the words out loud, they were meant to be thoughts. I've thanked him and apologised to him so many times each day since he rescued me, he's probably sick to death of me.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: It’s so hard for me to see Jack in pain, but I can’t let him see any hint of that. I know it would just add to his guilt. I have to project gentle encouragement, firm support, and strength. Jack needs my strength. It hurts him, and he has to try several times, but he gets there in the end. I nod with approval, seeing how he pushes himself past the pain. He has all the talent and makings of a star agent, and it was my job to nurture that talent. Then, after successfully finishing the exercise he turns to me and thanks me. His heart is in his eyes and his words. I nearly gasp, my god, he is so much like Trent. The memory causes me to blush, and I start to fall into his gorgeous eyes. I turn to hide my sudden reaction, and grab a 2 kilo weight from the rack, a small, simple weight. I turn to his right forearm, the one that Derek broke so brutally and savagely. I smile encouragingly at Jack, having had a moment to recover. “Okay Jack, now just do a few simple wrist curls with this weight. Let’s get those tendons and muscles in your forearms reactivated again. You’ve done so well so far, your progress is far better than the Physio warned me to expect. At this rate, we can start some gentle mat work in a few weeks. I’m really proud of you.” Everything about him is amazing and beautiful… his eyes, his smile, his beard, and the lean, tight muscle of his arms. What a man. What an incredible man.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I start to realise that Jeff's approval is the only thing I've ever needed in life. It makes me feel so warm inside, like I've been old for 26 years and have only just started living. He doesn't treat me like tissue paper and I love that, he's pushing me hard and I will 100% give him the results he so desperately seeks. I take the weight from him and prepare for an onslaught of pain, but to my amazement it's the least painful activity so far. It hurts and twinges around my wrist, but the main damage was done to my forearm. I wince a bit from the dull pain it creates, but smile proudly at myself and at Jeff's words. The pain increases the more reps I do, but I don't keep going until I risk doing more damage. When I hand the weight back to Jeff, I realise something that makes my stomach twist. I was so focused on my right hand that I didn't even notice my left one had gripped Jeff's forearm gently. I swiftly remove it without mentioning it, but I can feel the embarrassment warming my cheeks. I must have held on to it for comfort or in anticipation of pain or something, but it probably looked like was making a move. Fuck fuck fuck, why did I do that. His arm felt so beautiful in my hand though, his muscular and hairy meat warm under my fingers. I want him so badly. Even through the pain I want him right here, right now in this gym. Don't get hard, focus.. he's your boss, your mentor. I can think about him at night when I'm alone.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: As Jack began to do the simple movements, I kept smiling encouragement at him. He was so motivated, so determined. I wondered where his motivation came from? It was inspirational! I know this seems easy, but the pain is going to get harder the longer he goes. Suddenly, about halfway through the exercise, I felt Jack’s hand on my hairy forearm. It felt like an electric thrill ran up my arm and down my spine at the contact. It felt so casual, so ordinary, so natural, so perfect. I wanted him to feel like he could touch me anytime he wanted to. It satisfied something deep inside me, that simple contact. But it also hurt deeply. It reminded me that I could never have Jack in that way. No matter how much I loved him, how much I longed for him, I had to learn to live with that pain, and focus my love on nurturing him, supporting him to achieve his full potential. When he suddenly removes it, I feel both agony and relief. It felt so awkward suddenly, and I coughed to get us both past that moment.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I spoke up quickly, feeling my body begin to respond to the close contact in the way nature had intended, and I focused hard, YOU WILL NOT GET AN ERECTION JEFF. I focused on my words, that’s what I needed. With phenomenal self-control and poise, I continued. “Excellent Jack. That’s enough for today. With that attitude, you will recover in no time. At this rate, we should be able to start some gentle mat work in about two weeks.” I smile encouragingly, then gesture for Jack to come sit down with me over on a weight bench. My voice and tone turns a bit more serious. “Now, Jack, I’ve done everything I can to keep the investigators off your back, but I’m afraid you are going to have to be interviewed by the Parliamentary Intelligence Steering Committee. BUT…. not until I decide you are ready. AND, you won’t have to face them alone. I will be at your side the whole time. And I WILL NOT LET them ask any inappropriate questions.”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I need to force these feelings away, the lust I have for him is so powerful. He fills the awkward silence with a cough and I just know he's thinking how weird I am, what the fuck even was that? I fight the thoughts as much as I can, I need to be in control of myself more. I can't slip like that again.. fuck. Then he mentions the mat work and I think how difficult that's going to be to manage.. literally holding my body against Jeff, his hands on me, wrestling.. oh fuck. That's going to be torture. Sit next to him and hear the seriousness in his voice. I knew it. There's no way I could get through this without being interviewed at least once. I feel my heart pound in my chest and my arms tremor a little, I try my hardest to hide it from him. Fuck I need my pills, Jeff doesn't know about them yet but they help take this edge off. My voice is shaky when I speak, and it makes me feel weak and pathetic. "Oh, fuck.. that's, uhh.. going to be tough.." I look at Jeff and find only strength and support in his face. "Thank you, sir.. but at the end of the day I caused this. They can ask me anything and I have to face that.. I just.. don't understand how I still even have a job" but as soon as I say the words, I realise immediately that the answer is Jeff. He must be fighting my corner at the agency, and is probably the only one doing it. I love him so much, more than I thought was possible for a person.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: Jack persisted in believing this was his fault. I shook my head, and sighed as I put my hand on his bare shoulder, giving it another friendly squeeze and a warm smile. “No Jack, that’s not true. Derek Steel is the criminal here, not you.” I was painfully aware of that fucking bastard’s initial’s carved into my boy’s chest as I spoke. It was hard, hard to look at how he had marred Jack’s body for ever. But no matter what, I would see Jack recover and resume his position, fulfill his potential to become the Agent I knew he was capable of being. I turn towards the stair, “C’mon Jack, shower time.”

28 days after the incident

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I was working in my office when the phone rang. I put aside yet another proposal for emergency funding, and… with a feeling of sickness in my guts, the report about the death of one of our agents that had been exposed during the incident. He’d been deep undercover, and we hadn’t had time to warn him… and now … he was dead. There was no way I would let Jack find out, not yet, he wasn’t ready. He would blame himself. I knew he would. Strange… I was almost more worried about how much the death of one of our exposed undercover operatives would affect Jack than I was about his loss. I shook my head, and answered the phone. Immediately, my face turned serious. “Today? In an hour? Uh, yes, of course. He’s your son after all. And his brothers are coming too?” Then, anger washes over me, “Of course I know about Jackson’s death. And let me tell you this Shona, if you or his brothers share that news with Jack before I have signed off on his fitness to return to duty, I will enforce the consequences, and every one of you will have a permanent reprimand on your records.” My face hardens even tighter. “I don’t care if you do sit on the board of Directors, that doesn’t place you above the law. So you will keep this news to yourself? You and your sons?” I nod, “Good. I’ll let him know you are coming to see him then.”

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I hang up and massage my temples, running my hands through my beard. I sighed, then got up and went next door to Jack’s room. I knocked, then entered, removing the traces of stress from my face, “Hey Jack, your mother and your brothers are coming to visit, in about an hour.”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I'm finally free of my wounds, feeling back to my old self. I sit alone in Jeff's living room, the sun streaking through the window and warming my body. I feely.. happy, for the first time in so long. Everything feels right, the only thing that's missing is Jeff himself. Maybe he's out, he'll be back soon and we can spend the day together. Maybe he'll hold me in his arms, close to his gorgeous body. I suddenly become aware of a man sitting next to me on the couch, dressed all in black. I don't get a chance to see his face before he suddenly and swiftly strikes a knife into my gut. FUCK! I feel it sink deep into my flesh, blood oozing from the wound and sticking to my shirt. "UUGGHH-- fuucckk!" My hands close around the knife, covering my palms with blood. Wha-- what the fu-- fuck it hurts.. FUCK! He removes the knife viciously and I sink to my side, falling on my knees to the floor. I weakly crawl away, using the couch and coffee table as support. I painfully bring myself to a stand, one hand clasping my bleeding gut. I cry in agony as I try and leave the room, but from behind a wall another man steps out and stabs me again, right next to my other wound. I feel that knife, too.. plunging deep into my body as more blood rushes out of me. I grunt and moan as pain penetrates my abs, tears dripping from my eyes. "EuughHh n-no.. no, pl--" he pushes me away, removing the blade from my body. I stumble backwards, losing my balance but somehow staying stood. The pain is fucking intense, like nothing I've ever felt before.. they're pursuing me, stalking me with their knives dripping with my blood. As I stumble backwards I collide with something, and suddenly another man's thick and muscular arm closes around my throat, and his other hand stabs another knife into my gut. FUCK, more pain dominates my body, I can feel the blood rushing up my throat as I go into shock. I struggle and squirm, cry and moan in the man's hold. Then the first two men approach me and all three of them plunge their knives into me, again and again and ag--

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I jolt up in bed, sweat covering my forehead and body. My breathing is rapid and shallow, and it takes me a while to realise it was a dream. For the first few moments I still feel the pain of the knife. I remove the covers from me, getting air to my body. Fear floods my body as I slowly return to the living world, realising it was just a nightmare. But.. fuck it felt so real. I felt and heard everything, I could smell their cologne, I could taste my blood.. tears fall down my cheeks before I even realise. Fuck, I'm so sick of this.. these nightmares can feel so fucking real, and that was one of the worst. After a short while, Jeff knocks and enters my room. I cover myself slightly but I'm still so warm. I hear his words like a distant call, as though they were meant for somebody else. My breathing slows and I hear him properly then, clasping my hands to my head in frustration. "I just had one fucking nightmare, I don't need another.." they are the LAST people I need to see right now. Or ever again.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: As soon as I looked over at Jack, I could tell right away that he’d had another nightmare. I could see the sweat on his forehead and chest, tears wetting his cheeks. I rush to his bedside, and sit down. Instantly, my arms are around him, holding him against my simple t-shirt. The morning sun was high in the sky, little streams of sun causing the dust motes to sparkle as it danced on the carpet beside the bed. Jack had been sleeping in late during his healing process, and I know the nightmares didn’t help. I hold him tighter, my hard, hairy muscled arms enfolding him as I whispered, “Nightmares again Jack?” I knew full well that having his family come to visit was another kind of nightmare all together. I wish I had lied or made some excuse… but I hadn’t, and they were coming. I’d often had to sleep with him to banish the nightmares, which recurred with alarming frequency since Derek Steel had beaten, broken, and raped him. I wish that he would talk about it with me, but he still wouldn’t. When he was ready. I knew he would when he was ready. At times like these, I felt so helpless, all I could do was hold him, give him some human contact, some warmth. I loved him so much, and seeing him suffer like this was not easy. But I had to keep reminding myself that he was getting better, he was improving in so many ways.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Jeff holds me against him, my bare body against his thin t-shirt. I find myself being wary of him, for the first time I ever have in my life. Something isn't right, and it only takes a second before it clicks. His smell, his arm.. it was in my dream. He was the third man, the one who choked me and held me in place whilst all 3 of them cut into me. The hairs on his forearm, the feel of his bicep, his natural musk, his beard pressed against the back of my head as he stabbed me.. I know 100% it was him, and that fear carried over from my dream for the briefest of moments, but long enough for me to hate myself for ever fearing Jeff Rogers. My hand gently rests against one of the biceps that envelopes me, and I nod gently. My breathing finally returns to normal and I feel cooler. "Thank you, sir". I love you so much, is what I want to say. I love you and I'm sorry, I know you'd never hurt me.. but in that dream, his betrayal hurt just as much as the knife he stuck in me. "Do we have time to quickly move house before they get here?" I crack a half smile, all I'm able to do right now.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: He felt so good, cradled in my arms. He was so warm, so alive, he smelled so good, his scent and odor filling my nostrils. I wanted to hold him tight like this for hours and hours. I swallow as one of his hands rests on my bicep, feeling that electricity tingle up and down my spine at even that simple contact. Then, finally, I feel his breathing slow and he thanks me. Always so formal with me. And yet… that’s proper. We have to maintain a professional relationship. I have to try harder not to call him boy so often. I laugh then, slowly, reluctantly unwinding my arm from around his lean, muscled body. I stand up, “C’mon Jack, let’s go get lunch before your family arrives.” I lead us off to the kitchen.

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: I replace the handset and scoff. "'Yes I'll let you see your son', he says. Please." I shake my head, the audacity. "I'm your boss, Rogers. Let's not be forgetting that.." Jeff was known for his spunk, standing up to his superiors when he didn't agree with them. Some respected him for it, myself included.. but it also pissed me the hell off. "Right, boys. We're under 'strict' instruction not to mention his fuck up.." I roll my eyes. I have more right to tell Jack than Jeff does. Besides being his mother, I'm a director. But our policies do state matters like this should be handled by his line manager, which is Jeff, and he likes to remind me of that every chance he gets. Oh how my respect dwindles for that man. Once a ferocious agent, and once responsible for making my husband happy again. Jeff's affair with Trent actually made my life better. Trent was happier in himself, and in his guilt he treated me better. It was a win-win for the family. I can only imagine now he's trying to seduce Jack, and Jack is probably so weak and pathetic he'd fall for it. But relationships between agents are strictly forbidden, and they both know that. If I play my cards right I'll catch them both and use my power to get them out.

12:26: Agent_Philip_Young: "Are you fucking kidding me?" I rage, my face burning a bright red. "That little prick kills Jackson, among others, and I don't get to fucking say anything?" I kick mom's desk in anger, and I can see Michael pacing in frustration, too. This is a joke. I respect the hell out of Jeff Rogers, I really do. He's a phenomenal agent, and I've tried so hard my entire career - as has Michael - to impress him, to gain his respect. And Jack? The little dipshit that barely resembles a man, a talentless child, has Jeff under his thumb like this? Fighting his battles and letting him live under his roof? The whole situation drives me fucking crazy.

12:26 Agent_Shona_Young: "Hey, cut it out, this is mahogany. And Michael, stop pacing you're giving me a migraine. Look I know it's annoying, but Rogers is right here.. we can't say anything and he could.." I swallow hard. "Put us all at risk if we say anything to him, so just.. don't" oh, my boys. I love them so much. They're both remarkable agents with fantastic track records, and beyond that they're wonderful husband's to their.. albeit average wives. Michael has delivered me one beautiful child, and Philip has one on the way. They bring me so much, and I give it all back. And then there's Jack. My migraine. He has nothing to offer the CSIS, he's never shown any interest in a woman, which almost makes me happy as at least that means he won't breed. I only want the best Young genes to be passed on, so that leaves him out of it. I need him gone, and have fought so hard to get there. If I could get the CSIS to terminate his contract, he'll be forced into our retirement scheme. He'll have a home, identity and money provided to him. I could move him to Florida, away from us, away from.. Rogers. He can't live a normal life now, he's seen too much and knows too much. We can't risk Derek Steel or anybody else tracking him down and torturing him again. Jack Young needs not to exist, and I was so close to getting what I wanted.. but Jeff Rogers saved the day again in his blue and red Spandex, a giant 'S' plastered on his chest for 'sack of shit". Now I'm getting angry, and angry isn't a good colour in me. "We'll head out shortly, boys. Go get some lunch"

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: We had just finished lunch, and were settling down in the living room, watching a quick bit of television, more to pass the time than for any other reason. I rarely watched tv, but I wanted to keep Jack company. I could practically feel the tension as the top of the hour, and the visit from his family, drew near. Then, there was a loud knock at the door. I turned off the TV, stood up, turned to give Jack an encouraging smile, “Just remember Jack, their visit won’t last forever.” Then, I turned to the door as a second, louder, impatient knock nearly rattled the doorframe. I rolled my eyes, and sighed, opening the door for Shona Young and her sons, Phillip and Michael. They were also both agents in CSIS, and they were certainly decent, but … I never quite trusted them like I did Jack. And neither did their father. They were always trying to impress me in order to advance their careers. With men like that, you always had to question where their true loyalties lie. With Jack, there was no question. I knew where Jack’s loyalties lie. I stepped into the living room, followed by the TAP TAP TAP of Shona’s high heels and the hard, confident steps of her two Agent sons.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: The TV was on, but I barely paid attention. I felt like I was on a countdown; a ticking time bomb before a giant explosion. I quickly washed myself, ate lunch and made myself look as normal as possible. I need to give them as little ammunition as possible, but I know in my gut there will be something as soon as she walks through the door. The door knocks and it startles me. Fuck, here we go. Jeff looks at me and smiles warmingly, he knows what they’re like. I don’t doubt it. Then they knock again and I start getting angry, fucking impatient assholes. I stand, making my way to the door as I trail behind Jeff. I sigh.. Here goes nothing.

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: I approach Jeff’s house. I’ve always liked it, I have to admit the guy has taste. I knock loudly. They’re expecting me at this time, and I’m always punctual.. No excuse for them to not have answered the door already. I sigh, knocking again. I don’t like to be kept waiting. I’m a busy woman. Finally, the door opens and I step in, my stilettos echoing around the hallway. “Afternoon,” I half-smile at them both, and to my surprise, Jack is standing. “Fantastic, you can walk. Why are you still here?” It makes absolutely no sense to me, he’s able to walk.. Jeff isn’t holding him up. Why on earth is he still here? It strikes me all kinds of wrong.. Jeff is always so professional, so black and white.. This doesn’t make any sense. Jack should have stayed in hospital, no need for this ‘moving in with his boss’ business.

12:26: Agent_Jack_Young: She enters the room and within three seconds she manages to piss me off. Her words feel like a knife in the gut from my dream last night. For fuck’s sake, Mom.. I already feel so guilty for being here. I shake my head in annoyance. “Hi to you too, and.. I’ve said to Mr Rogers a few times about moving out but..” fuck, I actually don’t know what to say. My mom will find a victim in anybody, as long as she’s fed the right information. I don’t want to drop Jeff in it, but I don’t know what else to say to her. I stumble on my words a bit, looking to Jeff for help. I feel like I have to be so calculated around her, but no answer you give her will ever satisfy her.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I keep my expression perfectly neutral, not entirely surprised at the rudeness of Jack’s mother. I gesture for Shona and her sons to follow us into the lounge, listening to Jack stumble to give his mother an answer. I step in smoothly, “but I have not yet signed off on Jack’s fitness to return to duty, Shona. As you may be aware, Jack lives alone. Torture victims often suffer from severe PTSD, especially in the first few months after an incident. Human contact and compassion are,” I stare her down, my eyes catching hers, and the fire and steel in my gaze is obvious, “ absolutely imperative in order to make a full and safe recovery from the trauma. As his supervisor, ensuring Jack’s health and safety during this delicate process is my responsibility. Due to our current budgetary situation, we can’t afford to hire specialist assistance for this matter. So that is why he is staying here, under my expert and qualified supervision, and that is why he will remain here until such time as I sign off for his fitness to return to duty.” Then, my expression changes to one of professional politeness, but the rage is boiling beneath the surface. “Now, please, take a seat. Would you like some tea or coffee perhaps?”

12:26: Director_Shona_Young: Jack can’t even get his words out, even though he is unsure of the current situation. What the hell is Rogers up to. “Director Young,” I look back at Jeff, correcting him as I smile widely, but my eyes are cold and determined. I wave my hand and shake my head at the offer of a drink, pushing it aside. This isn’t a social call. This is a “what the fuck is going on here” call.

12:26: Agent_Phillip_Young: “Budgetary situation?” I have to step in, I could feel it building inside of me. “You mean, how this prick cleared us out of $30 million? But that’s not all he did, is it?” I need to get it out, to spill everything about what this fucker did to 10 of our men. Good men, deep undercover and collecting incredible intel.

12:26: Director_Shona_Young: I quickly shoot daggers back at Phillip, he can be so impulsive at times and we can’t afford to tell Jack about his grand mistake. I enter the living room and sit cautiously at the edge of an armchair. “So.. what’s the situation here?” I glance between the two of them. I know where Jeff’s appetite lies, but not Jack’s. He’s so weak and soft I wouldn’t put it past him to be.. One of them.

12:26: Agent_Jack_Young: I pick up on Phillip’s insinuation immediately.. Aside from the financial troubles I was only aware of the intel I’d wiped and agents I’d exposed.. My chest tightens and I quickly look to Jeff again, trying to keep the panic out of my eyes. Before I can get an answer from him, my mother swings the spotlight back to her, asking about our ‘situation’. I frown, feeling my body go cold. I hate how she interrogates me, I know she’s looking for a specific answer but I have no idea what it is, and anything I say otherwise will just cause her to probe more. She’s a tarantula. Waiting in her webbed cave, motionless for hours until the prey comes walking by. “I-- have no idea what you mean..”

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I stiffen slightly as Shona calls me out for not using her official title. But I don’t reply. This wasn’t meant to be an official visit, it was a personal visit, hence my very deliberate use of her first name. Then, Philip speaks up, and I can see that indeed, in his case, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. What an absolutely amazing display of cold, heartless, ruthless arrogance. I’d like to see him be on the receiving end of Derek Steel’s attentions and listen to him explain to me why he broke under torture. Then, suddenly, I stiffen as Shona waves off my offer of refreshments, and asks about the situation here. I get the implication, and I’m seeing red. Rage rises up in me like the magma beneath a volcano, but I put a very tight lid on it. Now is not the time to lose my temper with that vicious bitch. How DARE she imply that I am… that i would… take advantage of her son.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I step right into the middle again as I glance at Jack, seeing how flustered, embarrassed, and injured he was by all the innuendo and rudeness from his family. I speak quite firmly, and deliberately. “Shona, I’m so sorry you don’t care to join us for any refreshments. And I’m sorry, Shona, but I was under the impression this was a social visit by Jack’s caring and concerned Mother to check up on her son to see how he was doing, and to offer him some encouragement during his long and difficult recovery. If this were an official meeting, then of course it would be appropriate for me to address you as ‘Director Young’. But, if this were an interview or interrogation of one of the agents under my supervision, it would have to be cleared and approved by me first, wouldn’t it? And if Jack were to be interviewed without my express permission or knowledge, well, there would be consequences, wouldn’t there, Shona? We have rules and regulations for a reason, don’t we?” I stared at her, with steel and fire in my gaze, begging her to give me one reason, just one reason to file an official complaint against her ass. Try me, Shona.

12:26: Director_Shona_Young: One. Two. Three. Three times Jeff decided to disrespect me and refer to me by name. I breathe slowly, my smile slipping ever so slightly. I am your director regardless of whether we’re inside the walls of the CSIS or the parking lot of a McDonald’s, Agent Rogers. He knows how to get under my skin, but it’s not worth arguing, so I plant the smile back on my face. “Coffee would be fantastic, Jeffrey. Thank you..” I watch as he cautiously leaves the room. I need some alone time with my family, my smile fading and features sharpening as I stare coldly at Jack. “What on earth is going on, Jack? You’re shacking up with your line manager when you can walk, and talk. Can you feed yourself? Can you shower? Can you take a shit without him holding your hand? Then why in God’s name are you still here?” I can feel the anger piercing through my eyes, this is an absolutely sickening display. “Things need to go back to the way they were. Jeff’s focus has been distracted for too long now and he’s too good of an agent to be wasted on looking after you..”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Jeff delivers his speech and I swoon for him.. He speaks so eloquently and confidently. I feel so weak for thinking this, but.. I need him every day of my life. I need him to speak for me, to fight for me.. He does it in ways I could never do it for myself. Then, mom asks for a drink and I immediately know what she’s up to. She has no interest in coffee, she just wants me alone. The kitchen is a few rooms away so may just be out of earshot, I silently plead for Jeff to stay but I know he has no choice. I watch as he leaves, and I almost see a hint of uncertainty flash across his face. Even he knows what she’s like. Then, the vile and vulgar interrogation begins. This woman has no boundaries, no qualms with being vicious just to get her point across. “I, I--” for fuck’s sake now is not the time to stammer. “I’m just.. I don’t know, he’s been.. Helping me to--”

12:26: Agent_Michael_Young: “I-I, I don’t, I just--” I interrupt him with a perfect imitation. “You haven’t changed at all. Let’s call a spade a spade, you’ve somehow weasled your way into your bosses house in classic attention-seeking Jack Young fashion, as if dragging him to Toronto wasn’t bad enough and getting him wounded in the process, you’re now taking his food, hot water and precious time when you have a perfectly good apartment in the city..” the words spill out, speaking slightly below hearing range of Jeff in the kitchen down the hall. I feel such a surge of anger rushing through me, this fucking kid has seduced Jeff’s mind into thinking he’s an agent worth protecting, worth caring for.. Something I’ve been trying to do since I graduated from the academy. “What the fuck is going on here? Are you..” I gesture with my hands, pointing one finger on my left hand into a circle created by my thumb and forefinger of my right hand. It’s the only explanation.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Michael interrupts me and I feel my cheeks fill with heat. And then he says it, my two least favourite words ever used to describe me by my brothers. ‘Attention seeking’. Everything I have ever done in my life has apparently been to seek attention, and it just reaffirms to me exactly where I sit in this family. Nothing I do will ever be enough for them to respect me, or even like me. I’m nothing to them. Then Michael has the fucking aduacity to imply Jeff and I are.. I can’t help it. I erupt, but suddenly become aware I can’t shout because it’s disrespectful to Jeff. Then again, whispering in the next room is just as disrespectful.. The whole fucking thing blows. “Michael, what the fuck? That’s not only a disgusting judgement of my character, but an even worse one of Jeff’s. He’s our superior agent and you’re implying that he’s fucking one of his agents? Get the fuck out..” I can’t deal with this, I knew it would be a disaster, but I also have no right to kick them out of a house that isn’t mine.

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: I have to look away as Michael does the finger gesture, the thought almost churns my stomach. Jeff and Trent.. I wouldn’t put it past him to repeat the process with my son, after all Jack looked the most like Trent despite somehow being the least attractive of my sons. The runt of the litter. I shake my head, but I agree with Michael. It’s certainly one explanation for what is going on here. Jack loses his temper, as he always does. He can’t just have a normal, civilised conversation with his family. It has to end in tears and destruction, I shake my head as Jeff’s footsteps get closer and closer to the living room. My smile returns to my face as he enters carrying a tray. “Thank you, Rogers..”

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I can hear muffled sounds coming from the lounge as I make a black coffee for Shona. Appropriate, it matches the color of her heart. I get nervous. I would expect to hear voices raised in “friendly” conversation. This muffled whispering… What are they doing or saying to Jack? I come back in with Shona’s coffee and put it down in front of her, on the small side table next to her chair. I look over sharply at Jack, and I can see that he is in some kind of distress. I see white hot spots of rage for a moment. Then, I look at my watch, “Oh Shona, I’m so sorry to cut your visit short. I nearly forgot, it’s time for me to take Jack to his doctor’s appointment. Would you like me to put your coffee into a paper cup for you to take with you? Really, I apologize. It was so terrible of me to forget about this. I should have checked my diary before I agreed for you to visit.” Then, looking quite deliberately straight into her eyes, I say, “I’m sure that the love and support you have just given Jack means so much to him, and he’ll be devastated that you can’t stay longer.”

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I feel myself spiralling. That was fucking horrible, my entire family telling me how awful I am. It’s nothing new, but it just feels different this time. Mainly because there’s somebody else involved, somebody I love. Have I really turned Jeff’s life upside down like that? He didn’t need to take me in, he didn’t even need to rescue me.. But he’s my boss, and he’s my dad’s best friend. Maybe he begrudgingly does it all because he feels obliged? Maybe I am just the attention-seeking nuisance they’ve been telling me I am for 20 or so years. I can’t even say anything, there are no words I can summon to truly express how I feel. Jeff breaks the silence and saves the day. A few moments ago, I would have felt gratitude.. But now, I just feel empty.

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: I smile as Jeff conveniently cuts the visit short. This is all a game of chess, and he knew I was winning. I had him at checkmate. I stand and leave the coffee, ignoring his offer. I glance at Jack only briefly. “Take care, Jack. Maybe next time we visit it will be where you belong.. In your apartment..” then I head towards the front door, led by my two perfect boys. I usher them out to the car. “Go ahead, boys. I just need a quick moment with Agent Rogers..” I turn and the smile I’d had planted only my lips fades in an instant. I stand under him in the doorway, but I have a way of making myself appear taller than anybody. My cold gaze and challenging stance grants me such power. “This is not a game, Rogers. I forgave you for what you did with my husband, that worked well for me and he was an incredible human being. He was depressed for years and you changed that, and I remain thankful to this day. But Jack.. he is not worthy of your time, and if you’re trying to get history to repeat itself, I assure you it will not end well. Jack will only ever be a mediocre agent, and I have years of menial desk work planned for him. But you causing a distraction can only end in one thing.. You’ll both be fired. So think carefully..” a coward would turn away at that, leaving no room for response. But I crave his response. I have my trap set and I’m waiting for it to snap. Take the cheese, Jeff. There’s so much more I could say that would truly get in between this.. Relationship they have, but that’s enough for now. I’ll save that until I know something is definitely going on.

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I see Shona to the door, fury and rage boiling inside me, kept tightly under control by years of iron-hard battle-tested discipline. Her parting shot at Jack nearly cracked me, but I held on. For his sake as much as anything else. We reach the door, and she dismisses her sons, and turns to me. I catch her gaze, and my own is pure steel, unmoved by her words. She brings up Trent, and I soften slightly remembering how much I loved him, and how grateful I was when she acknowledged this to me while forgiving me, but I realize now that this too was all just politics and power to her, and then she has the audacity to tell me that Jack is not worthy of me. She plans to make his life hell, does she? I nod at her, my rage tightly under wraps, and then I reply. “I am sorry Director Young, that you do not see the potential in your own son that I see. It is my duty to develop the potential of the agents under my supervision. And no, no this is not a game. This is about recruiting and developing the talent that is required to keep our nation safe, Director. It is a duty that I am particularly good at. Hence this position that I now hold. I am truly sorry that you do not trust my judgement in this matter, and even more sorry that you cast aspersions on my motives and methods. Please, have a safe journey home.”

12:26 Director_Shona_Young: Oh, he’s a smug bastard. I nod politely and begin to turn away.. But one more parting shot, I think. I take a few steps as I call back to Jeff. “Remember, Rogers. The only people in the world who know about you and my husband are the two people standing here right now..” I turn and look at him, but then gaze past him into the house as though pointing at Jack with my eyes. “Would be a shame for more people to find out..” I turn away for good then. I almost laughed at his comment on “talent to keep the nation safe”. 1 week on the job and he already threw that out the window, but I chose not to bite. I head to the car and sit in the passenger seat, next to my gorgeous Michael, and we leave.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I can feel the warm tears falling from my eyes. I feel like I’m at rock bottom now, my emotions have been running so high lately. The pain, the nightmares, the guilt, the self-hatred.. And now this. One visit from my family and practically all of that intensifies. I don’t want to cry in front of Jeff, I’ve done that so much that I’m sure even he’s getting sick of it now. I just want everything to stop, every time I feel like I’m making progress something happens that knocks me back, like life refuses to let me enjoy the moment. I try to dry my cheeks before Jeff re-enters the room, but I can feel my eyes are red, giving me away. I heard talking at the door but couldn’t make out any words, I dread to think what they were saying. Maybe Jeff agreed with them. Fuck, this whole situation is making me paranoid, and I can feel my arms trembling again. I’m heading down, and there’s only one way I deal with this but I can’t, not in Jeff’s house, not with his drink..

12:26 Agent_Jeff_Rogers: I watch as Shona turns to leave, then suddenly, stiffen as though I’d been slapped. Shona had threatened me. Threatened to tell Jack about my … affair with his father. She wouldn’t… oh yes… she would. She was ruthless. I saw red for a moment, then with a deep surge of self control, I turned my back on her abruptly and went back inside. She cared about one thing only: Power. I shook my head, deeply disturbed by her threat, running my hand through my beard as I entered the lounge, then I looked at Jack, and saw that he had been crying. He was in the act of wiping his cheeks when I walked in. I calmly walked over to sit beside him, and pulled him into an embrace. “Jack, Jack…” I sighed.. What could I say? This was his family, and they treated him like garbage. “I’m really, truly sorry for your family’s behaviour. You are so much more, so very much more, than who they think you are. I know it for a fact.” I hold Jack tightly, refusing to let him go, giving him every assurance and comfort I can in the strong embrace of my arms.

12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: Jeff holds me in a warm embrace, something that used to make me feel so safe.. but now my family have tainted it. They have the audacity to accuse this incredible man of using me for his own sexual exploits. I feel my head starting to pound, there are two things I need right now. Fresh air and alcohol. "Thank you, sir.." my words come out as a mere mutter. "If you don't mind, I'm going to get some.. fresh air. Take a walk, have some alone time.. but, thank you for everything.." I squeeze his shoulder gently as a sign of affection, realising this is something he does to me all the time. I grab my coat and head out the door, stepping out into public for the first time since being here with Jeff. It was something we were going to do together, the anxiety and PTSD could be triggered by being in public spaces, but it's a risk I’m willing to take. I need it, I need to get lost in the blanket of numbness alcohol provides me. I hate relying on it, but it's the only thing that has helped me over the years, alongside the anxiety pills. They're not a good mix, and neither is the alcohol and pain medication I'm on.. but I don't care. My only regret will be Jeff seeing me like that. I debate whether or not to even return home, but I can't make him worry like that.. I need to drink, and whatever happens.. happens.
12:26 Agent_Jack_Young: I enter the small convenience store at the end of the street, a good 10-minute walk from Jeff's house. I head straight to the drink section and pick up my old best friend.. Sipping whiskey. I hate it, it burns my throat when I drink it.. but it gets me drunk fast, mainly because I don’t exactly ‘sip’ it, and when I'm drunk.. I'm happy. For a while, at least. I'm loose and free, silly and giggly.. it feels amazing, but then the big fall comes and I sink into my bottomless pit of depression. At that point I cry myself to sleep and wake up with a banging head, but it's all worth it just for those few moments of absolute heavenly bliss. I buy the bottle and apologise to Jeff in my mind.. I'm so, so sorry for what you're about to witness, please forgive me.. and then I leave. I can't drink this at home, but I can't be the local drunk that drinks whiskey straight from the bottle down the park in front of kids. I have to hide, like a shameful, sad person.. so I find an alley, nice and private.. and I take my time. I lean against the wall and take my first sip. Jesus, it's fucking vile. I can't believe people actually drink and enjoy this stuff, but the first swig helps warm me up on this cold afternoon. I think about everything that's happened up to this point. My dad, the academy, my family.. the incident.. Derek.. his seed still swimming around inside me, the pain, the humiliation, Jeff, guilt, regret, lust, sorrow, anger.. everything swirls around in my mind as I sink lower and lower, bringing my heels up to rest my ass against them as my back stays against the wall.. and drink. Another vile shot, but I'm one step closer to pure joy.

Published: 2021-04-16, viewed 35 times.